


Behind His Smile

by maraudersourwolf, parttimehuman



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 2018 Thiam Big Bang, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Thiam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 05:36:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16591835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersourwolf/pseuds/maraudersourwolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: In this High School AU, the beginning of the relationship with everybody’s darling Liam couldn’t come anymore out of the blue to introvert Theo. He’s been in love with the boy’s incredible smile forever, but when things go great and move fast between the two of them, he can’t help but think it’s all a little too good to be true. Although he’s half expecting for everything to turn out to be just a really amazing dream, he’s still deeply shocked when he hears that Liam set the treehouse he’s been building in his backyard on fire, almost burning the Geyers’ house down as well. Liam shuts himself off completely, nothing makes sense to Theo until he learns about Liam’s diagnosis with bipolar disorder. ‘Behind His Smile’ is the title of a comic book Theo creates for Liam, telling the story of a man who was robbed of his magical smile, a hero who has to fight evil and himself to get it back.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A few things that need to be said: 
> 
> Thank you. To Alicia, who had the idea to have writers and artists collaborate in an event, and the Official Thiam Library, who's been making it all possible. 
> 
> Thank you. To the lovely [Emma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_love_a_wild_thing/works), who's been beta reading my mess and encouraging me when I switched stories just before hitting the minimum word count. 
> 
> *
> 
> About that Non-Con tag: There's a scene in chapter 7 where consentual making out between Liam and Theo turns a little problematic, because Liam goes further than Theo feels comfortable with, and it takes him too long to notice and stop. Anybody who doesn't want to read that can skip over the scene without missing any crucial context. I've put another warning in the chapter notes and marked the scene. 
> 
> *
> 
> Finally. 
> 
>   **The art to this story can be found** [**here**](http://marauders-mess.tumblr.com/post/180015271376/behind-his-smile-author-flyde-summary-in-this) and [**here!**](http://marauders-mess.tumblr.com/post/180015269141/behind-his-smile-author-flyde-summary-in-this)
> 
> Des. 
> 
> A thank you isn't enough. You chose my story, making it ours by putting your time and creativity in it, helping me tell it. You are incredible. A billion times thank you!

From the moment he first saw him, Theo has known that Liam will change his life. He doesn’t know how or to what extent, but there is something behind that smile that makes it brighter than the shining sun and more beautiful than anything Theo has ever seen - something that touches Theo even from across the room, even when Liam is talking to somebody entirely else in that moment and Theo has no idea what is causing his joy. 

 

He doesn’t know Liam yet, not personally, but of course, he  _ knows _ him. Liam Dunbar transferred to Beacon Hills only a few weeks ago, and everybody knows his name. Girls whisper it to each other in the hallways before they start giggling, everybody chants it during the lacrosse games at which the team suddenly doesn’t suck as badly anymore. He’s been voted captain, and everybody knows he’s going to be voted prom king as well. Because that’s the kind of guy Liam Dunbar is. 

 

On Monday mornings you hear stories that start with “At Liam’s party on Friday night...”, and in World History everybody is constantly impressed by just how much the guy knows about everything. All the other students want to talk to Liam all the time, to offer him a seat at their table during lunch break, ask him to hang out after school, invite him to their parties, swoon over the smile he gives them. Not once has Theo heard anybody say a single bad word about Liam, and this is where it gets complicated. 

 

Every high school has a few of those guys, right? Those ridiculously well-built and handsome guys who seem to naturally succeed at absolutely everything they do. Those jocks who everybody wants to be or be with or be like, who can talk their way out of any potential trouble with a wink of an eye, a pulled up corner of their mouth, or a puppy-like expression on their face. Those guys that everybody loves except those who have no hope to ever play in the same league, those who are naturally the victims of the jocks’ display of their alpha status, those who crush and dream, but never dare to hope. 

 

Every high school has them, but it didn’t take long before Theo realized that Liam doesn’t belong in that category. He might be everybody’s-type-pretty, might have a body covered in muscles, might be the star of the lacrosse team, and have a line of both girls and boys waiting for him to gift them with one of his dazzling smiles, but Liam is different. 

 

Liam is smart, not just in a way that gets him good grades, but in a way that makes him interesting, that gives him stories to tell. Theo loves the classes they have together, although he’s almost certain Liam hasn’t taken note of his existence so far, but Theo is more than happy to get to enjoy it being the case the other way around. Everytime he sees Liam raising his hand in history or social studies or religion, he has to stop himself from smiling too obviously. He likes hearing Liam’s voice, likes the confidence with which Liam speaks even when he’s saying something they haven’t learned in class, how the boy isn’t afraid to disagree with a teacher’s opinion, how he points out mistakes with incredible nonchalance.

 

Theo himself would never. He considers himself intelligent, sure, and his grades say no different, but Theo is a quiet kind of learner. He likes to listen and observe, likes to collect sources and opinions and pieces of information, likes to ponder, needs time and usually a notebook and a pen to come up with his own contribution to a topic, likes to make sure what he’s saying is something he can stand by before he says it. He can’t think out loud, has never tried to, but he loves it when Liam does. He’s impressed, genuinely and deeply impressed. 

 

As if cute and smart isn’t an irresistible enough combination already, of course Liam has to be funny as well. Theo guesses that’s the reason why everybody lets him speak during lunch, why practically all the seniors gather around his table and listen, because Liam has this delightful way of brightening everyone's day, cracking jokes at everyone’s and no one's expense, making snarky little remarks that are never truly mean, using such highly advanced sarcasm that not all of his fellow schoolmates get it, which only makes it more hilarious to those who do, like Theo. 

 

It’s slightly creepy, maybe, for Theo to pay such close attention to every single one of Liam’s steps, especially since they’ve never talked, but it’s not like he can help himself. “You’re a stalker,” his best friend Mason has told Theo several times by now, “a sick, perverted stalker.” Theo doesn’t take it personally. After all, he knows that Mason is just jealous because he barely shares any classes with Liam. At least he’s never fought Theo on finding a spot as close to Liam as possible at the cafeteria during lunch. 

 

Cute, smart, and funny. If only there was another attribute to make an already dreamlike guy even more attractive in Theo’s eyes… 

 

“He’s super nice, apparently,” Mason sighs as he returns to where Theo is standing in the middle of a party he isn’t really participating in so far, holding two plastic cups filled with an unnaturally looking bright red beverage. 

 

“I know,” Theo nods, “I saw him picking up a younger girl’s books in the hallway yesterday, helping her putting them back into her locker after they’d fallen out. He was so sweet to her I almost melted.” He sniffs at the cup in his hand and scrunches up his nose. “What on earth is this?” He asks his best friend.

 

“I think the dude at the bar is a little inexperienced,” Mason replies, “I’m going to call it a Tequila Sunburn. But it tastes better than it looks. Try it.” 

 

Although Mason’s made up name for the abomination of a drink earns an approving chuckle, Theo has to disagree on the statement about its taste, which is definitely worse than color alone. By a lot.

 

“Oh, boy,” Theo grimaces, “it must be so hard for you to live without functioning taste buds, my friend.” The first word that comes to his mind describing the liquid trickling down his throat is fire. 

 

As bad as it tastes, Theo is still grateful for the alcoholic drink in his hand. He’s not much of a party-goer, generally doesn’t know how to talk to people he doesn’t already know, has no idea how to start conversations. He needs the cup to occupy his slightly nervous hands with as much as he needs the alcohol to provide him with courage. It’s not like Theo is completely awful with other people, it’s just that crowds can be overwhelming, especially when they’re loud. 

 

If people could just walk up to him one by one and in appropriate time intervals and engage him in friendly, respectful conversation, then Theo wouldn’t have a problem talking at all. He knows he’s not completely unattractive, thinks he’s probably a nice guy, believes he has a sense of humor, usually knows how to express himself. Clearly, the problem isn’t Theo. The problem is that he never knows what it means when others give him funny looks or whether all those girls are really flirting with him like Mason says. The problem is that his brain can never just shut up about all the possible ways to make a fool out of himself, and that he still isn’t fully convinced the whole world isn’t in on some inside joke only he isn’t a part of. 

 

“He’s looking at you,” Mason notes with a smirk around his straw. 

 

Theo doesn’t have to ask who. When he and Mason talk about a nameless guy, it can only be one person.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Theo responds with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, “Liam Dunbar certainly has better things to do at this party than to look at me. He doesn’t even know I exist. And why would he?” 

 

Mason throws Theo that look that says,  _ Really, dude? _ “We’re not having that conversation again,” he announces, “especially since I believe you should much rather have a conversation with him. Because he’s definitely looking at you. Scratch that, he’s totally checking you out.” 

 

“Oh my god, Mason!” Theo complains, although he’s slightly blushing. “Would you stop that? It’s not even funny anymore.” He gulps down the entire rest of his drink and walks away to get another one. 

 

Theo hates Mason a little bit as he crosses the crowded room, feeling like someone’s gaze is fixed to his back. It’s stupid, and it’s not true. Liam’s not really looking at him, and neither is anybody else. It couldn’t be less relevant how tight his jeans are around his ass, but suddenly it’s all Theo can think about. He grabs a beer, needing something cold. Thank god there are still parents who let their teenage kids out of sight for long enough to throw a party like this one. 

 

The beer helps, the first one as well as the others that follow. Theo relaxes and eventually starts dancing, even forgetting for a moment that there are people surrounding him, forgetting to observe his potential audience, losing himself in the rhythm of a song before a pair of hands on his hips brings him back to reality. Someone is right behind him, the heat of their body engulfing him, a warm but spicy scent waving off of the person. In spite of his surprise, Theo doesn’t stop moving, keeps circling his hips, lets himself fall against a random person’s chest, allows himself to feel good about it. 

 

For a while, the question of who is behind him doesn’t even cross Theo’s mind. He’s slightly drunk and majorly happy, has no need for questions and no use for answers, just wants to relish the moment, the music, the proximity. It’s funny how you can always dread people coming near you, but once they’re close enough, it’s not scary anymore, but makes you feel safe and encouraged. It might be the influence of the alcohol in his system, but Theo doesn’t care as he lets his head fall back onto the shoulder of the person pressed to his back. He has no idea what he’s doing, he’s usually not exactly the bold type, but his brain doesn’t get a say in this. Theo feels amazing. 

 

“Theo, right?” the person behind him whispers in his ear. Theo nods, but still doesn’t look, doesn’t ask back. He’s still not feeling like he needs to. 

 

“You’ve got moves, honey,” the voice adds. It sounds wonderful. It’s low and gravelly and a little out of breath. He knows the voice, but it takes a moment to hit him because of how close it is, hot breath ghosting over the skin behind his ear. When he finally gets it, Theo isn’t sure he can believe it, so he turns around. 

 

The other guy’s hands stay on his hips as he moves, keeping him close, maybe even pulling him a little closer. He wants to look to make sure he’s not going insane, but he closes his eyes instead, figuring that that’s what you do when you get kissed. Theo stiffens for a moment, shocked by the sudden pressure against his lips, although it doesn’t feel unpleasant at all. It’s soft and warm and sweet - and apart from that, it’s the first kiss Theo’s ever gotten from a member of the sex he actually likes. 

 

He only realizes that he should probably kiss back when two hands come up to cup his face, fingers gently stroking his cheeks. Like that, it doesn’t feel like he’s drunk at a party, and it doesn’t feel like he’s kissing a guy he’s never even talked to. Like that, it doesn’t smell like sweat and vomit, and no number of eyes on them can distract him. It’s not breath-taking or earth-shattering or life-changing. It’s just a kiss as long as it lasts, but then again, it’s not  _ just  _ anything, not when they break apart and that smile appears again, this time directed at him personally. 

 

“My pleasure to finally meet you officially,” Liam beams at him before he pulls his hands away from Theo’s face and takes a step back. “See you on Monday, Theo.” 

 

With those words, he turns around and is suddenly gone, leaving Theo in the middle of the dance floor with a wildly beating heart and kiss-swollen lips, and, finally, so many questions. 


	2. Chapter 2

Theo finds himself incapable of processing what just happened to him. The memory of Liam’s touch remains hot and tingly on his skin and lips, but with the boy no longer standing right in front of him, it all seems hard to believe, simply too good to be true. Ten minutes ago, he was a social nobody with a hopeless crush on the most popular guy of Beacon Hills High. Five minutes ago, he was a slightly drunk teenager forgetting about his insecurities on the dance floor. And now? Now what? 

 

“Holy. Fucking. Shit.” Mason gasps as he approaches Theo, pausing after every word to give his statement the appropriate drama factor. “Did you just… shit, Theo, did you just kiss Liam Dunbar?” 

 

Theo doesn’t know how to respond. Did he? He’s just standing there like an idiot, slowly raising his hand to touch his lips, looking down at his fingers as if there was any chance to find traces of a kiss there. 

 

“Oh my god!” Mason exclaims when Theo meets his mildly shocked and highly curious gaze. “I leave you unsupervised for two minutes and you make out with the hottest guy in our entire school?” He grabs Theo by the arms and drags him off of the dancefloor and out into the hallway, taking one purposeful step after the other while Theo barely remembers how to walk at all, finding them an empty bathroom so that he can start firing questions at his best friend. “How the hell did that happen, Theo? I thought you said you two don’t know each other? How did you get him to shove his tongue down your throat? Seriously, please tell me your secret. What did he say to you? Oh my god, are you going to see him again? Like, outside of school, obviously. Are you-” 

 

Theo just stands and listens for a moment, still in some sort of paralysis after the completely unexpected plot twist the night has taken, becoming aware that he doesn’t have an answer to any of Mason’s questions. 

 

“Jesus, Mase, would you stop it?” he interrupts. He needs the world to just spin a little more slowly for a moment so he can catch his breath, get his thoughts in order. “I can’t even… I can’t even think right now! I don’t know what to tell you. Seriously. More than ever before in my life, I am absolutely and genuinely clueless here.” He takes a deep breath out, turns around to the sink next to him, and lets some cold water run down his forearms, hoping to cool down. 

 

“Well, excuse my excitement, Theo, but in the name of all socially anxious, half-closeted high-school gays, you’re kind of living our dream here, and I’m going to need you to share this with me immediately.” 

 

“Shut up,” Theo replies. As if the whole thing isn’t giving him enough strange feelings as it is. “I’m not… look, I don’t know what to tell you, okay? I was just dancing. And then I was suddenly dancing  _ with _ somebody. It was nice, but I didn’t know who it was until I turned around. And then I didn’t even get to be surprised that it was Liam because he was already kissing me. God, why on earth would he do that?”

 

“I hate to be the one to say ‘I told you so’, but I kind of did inform you about him checking you out earlier,” Mason remarks. 

 

“You love to be the one to say ‘I told you so’, Mase, and we both know it. Also, even if he really was looking at me - and for the record, I’m still not completely convinced you weren’t lying about that - but even if he was, then there’s still a long way to go from looking at someone to actually kissing them. I mean, do you have any idea how many guys I, personally, have stared at? But did I kiss any of them? Like, what the hell? I didn’t even know he’s gay! Didn’t he have a girlfriend, like, last week?”

 

Mason sighs. “There’s this thing called bisexuality, Theo. Or pansexuality. But seriously, let’s not start putting labels on a guy we basically know nothing about. Except that he’s obviously into you. Did he ask you out? Did you get his number?”

 

“Uh, no,” Theo admits. Now that he’s thinking about it, Liam didn’t even really talk to him. Or look him in the eyes. The whole kiss is one big mystery to Theo, but the even bigger mystery is Liam. “I guess I’ll see him at school on Monday,” Theo shrugs. 

 

***

 

Of course, Theo spends the entire weekend obsessing over Liam and the highly peculiar kiss between them. A search through Liam’s social media accounts brings no relationship status to light, but at least it provides Theo with endless photos to save in a locked folder on his phone and stare at while he’s buried beneath the sheets in his bed, daydreaming. He comes across a few pictures of Liam in swimming trunks, and, yes, his fantasies turn dirty once or twice, but somehow what affects him the most is another image. 

 

Theo scrolls past it at first, but then he goes back up, looks for a moment, saves the picture, and keeps staring, drinking in the colors and the light, burning every little detail into his memory. It shows two boys holding hands. They’re standing on a playing field in what appears to be their lacrosse gear, backs turned to the camera, dark green jerseys showing the numbers sixteen and twenty-eight. The boy on the left is Liam, his face turned to the other one, his hair wet and sticking to his forehead, a little smudge and a bit of grass on his cheek. The boy on the right is much taller than Liam, dark blond and prettily smiling, but he has nothing on Liam. With the lighting in the picture it seems like the sun is shining from Liam’s face. 

 

The whole scene is absolutely beautiful, but Theo can’t tear his eyes away from the joint hands in the middle. It’s strange what the image does to him. But then again, maybe it’s not so strange. Maybe it’s just nice to see two boys holding hands. Two lacrosse players, standing right on the field, possibly surrounded by their teammates or other people, but judging by the looks on their faces, nothing matters to them except the other. Maybe it just feels good to know that exactly that is an actual possibility. That just because you like guys doesn’t mean you have to keep hiding forever or that good things aren’t for you as well. 

 

Of course, Theo can’t stop himself from dreaming. He wonders if Liam ever was in a relationship with number twenty-eight, and if that means that maybe the kiss from Friday night wasn’t just a spontaneous drunken action or even a dare from Liam’s jock friends, which yes, admittedly, has crossed Theo’s mind once or twice. In a slightly twisted way, Theo doesn’t want the weekend to be over, doesn’t want to go back to school on Monday and find out how Liam will react to him. It’s a little bit like Schrödinger’s cat. As long as Theo doesn’t know for sure, the kiss between him and Liam could have meant something as well as it could have meant nothing at all. The memory of one single kiss is, of course, far from enough for him, but it’s still worlds better than for that memory to turn into a bad joke, so Theo takes it. 

 

_ I can’t go to school today,  _ Theo texts Mason on Monday morning. He knows he’s going to feel sick for real if only he tells himself that he is often enough. He has a special talent in that area. Living the life of a nerdy loser has prepared him well. 

 

Theo’s phone rings only seconds after he’s sent the text, and he doesn’t have time for a greeting before his best friend cuts right to it. 

 

“I swear to god, Theo, I’m going to personally drag your ass out of your bed and kick it all the way to school, I’m not kidding around,” Mason announces, his voice stern, the atypically harsh choice of words proof enough that he’s one hundred percent serious. 

 

“What if he doesn’t even talk to me today?” Theo asks, putting his fears into words. “Or worse, what if he does? What if… I don’t know, what if he thinks I’m a bad kisser? Or that I made him realize he isn’t into guys after all? Can’t I just take that moment and die happy now that I’ve had my lips on Liam’s?”

 

“Nope,” Mason replies. “You’re being completely ridiculous, my friend. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?” 

 

“Uh, you mean complete and utter embarrassment in front of the whole school?” Theo suggests. 

 

“No. I mean that he’s not really into you. But let’s be honest, you already thought that anyway. So what do you have to lose?” 

 

“Honestly?” Theo asks. “The remaining pieces of my dignity. A tiny little bit of self-confidence. The will to ever go to a party again. The hope to ever find love. Do you want me to continue?” 

 

“Again, you are wrong,” Mason states. “You’re thinking too complicated. You have nothing to lose, Theo. You don’t have Liam now, and maybe you never will. Maybe he really isn’t interested in you.”

 

“Wow,” Theo sighs, “you really have a way of cheering me up, Mase, thank you so much. Have I mentioned I’m not coming to school today?” 

 

“Jesus, Theo, I wasn’t done talking, okay? Maybe he isn’t interested in you. Maybe he is. I think considering that he’s the one who initiated a kiss between the two of you, that certainly counts as a possibility, right? And what would he think if the guy he likes didn’t come to school the Monday after he finally gathered up the courage to kiss him, huh? I’m sorry, but it’s simply not an option.” 

 

“You have watched too many movies, Mase,” Theo tells his friend, “someone needs to take Netflix away from you, seriously.” 

 

“Fine,” Mason laughs, “as long as you’re coming to school. Don’t make me pick you up. You know your Dad can’t keep his eyes off of me.” 

 

“Wow, from supportive best friend to creepy gross asshole in one sentence. I’m impressed, dude.” 

 

“You should wear that wine-red sweater today,” Mason advises, completely ignoring the insult, “It really brings out your eyes. Also don’t shave if you haven’t already. See you in an hour, loverboy!” 

 

Theo inhales deeply and wants to say something, but Mason has already hung up on him, probably getting his camera all set up in case Theo’s meeting with Liam ends in a disaster. Or another kiss. Which personally, Theo thinks is highly unlikely, but still, he has to admit that his best friend kind of has a point. If there’s any chance, however tiny it may be, that Liam actually likes him, then Theo sure as hell isn’t going to miss it. He might have to change schools or let shame kill him if things end badly, but who is he kidding? Of course he’s willing to take the risk. 

 

With a deep sigh and a fresh wave of nervous excitement washing over him, Theo gets up and into the shower. He makes sure to rub every inch of his body with soap, washes his hair twice more than necessary, contemplates shaving but decides to follow Mason’s advice and let the stubble throw a shadow over his jaw, runs his fingers through his hair so many times that he has to stop himself as long as there’s still any hair left. Theo looks into the mirror, tries to see what Liam could have seen on Friday night, brushes his teeth twice and with entirely too much toothpaste, returns to the mirror with the dark red sweater on, examines his own reflection, unconvinced, but also absolutely clueless what to do to possibly make his appearance any better. 

 

Eventually, Theo has to leave without breakfast or the usually indispensable cup of black coffee, but he’s spent to much time doubting his entire existence in the bathroom for either of those, and with the amount of adrenaline currently running through his system, he can probably go without the caffeine for one day. Of course, the already unsatisfactory style of his hair gets completely fucked up by Theo having to run all the way to school. He definitely needs to have another talk with his parents about that truck he’s been wanting forever. 

 

“Dude!” Mason greets him in the school yard. “What happened to you on your way here? Did you accidentally get caught up in a marathon run? Or a zombie apocalypse?” 

 

“Good morning to you too, Mase,” Theo rolls his eyes. He’s not mad though, on the contrary. He’d be freaking out a lot more if Mason wasn’t making sure to keep him down on earth, and he’s already freaking out as it is.  

 

“Ready to go inside?” Mason asks with a wide, smug grin on his face, bouncing on his feet. Theo can’t blame him. It’s easy to be positively excited when it’s not your own heart that’s on the line. 

 

“Absolutely fucking not,” Theo mumbles, “but will I ever be?” 

 

“Absolutely fucking not,” Mason replies sarcastically, grabbing Theo by the arm and dragging him towards the entrance of the school building. 

 

“I’m a big boy, you know,” Theo sighs, “I can walk on my own.” 

 

“I’m going to hold you to that,” Mason informs him, “if you make a run for it, you’ll be in serious trouble.” 

 

“Fuck off,” Theo mutters. The comment stings a little, mainly because a big part of him actually wants to do exactly that - turn around and walk right into the other direction, save himself the disappointment. 

 

A whole weekend is a lot of time to obsess over the various possibilities to have your heart broken, your dignity stolen, your entire social life ended, so naturally, Theo has already come up with all the ways Liam could either ignore or insult him, but what he hasn’t considered is the thing that actually happens. Liam is nowhere to be seen. Not in the crowded hallways before first period or at his locker that, as Theo happens to know, is exactly eleven lockers left of his own, nor in world history class or at the cafeteria during lunch break. Somehow, it’s worse than all the scenarios Theo has had in his head so far. Is Liam ghosting him now? Was he that bad? Isn’t that like the worst thing ever? When you’re completely uninteresting but also not relevant enough to at least be told that? 

 

With every passing minute it gets worse, especially during those classes Theo usually shares with Liam, when suddenly the lesson is strangely quiet and Theo misses Liam’s random but always fascinating knowledge and the sound of his voice and the way a twitch in his shoulders always lets Theo know he’s about to raise his arm before he actually does it. Honestly, Theo is okay with going back to silently admiring Liam from afar and having zero hopes of ever even being recognized by him. As he becomes painfully aware now that Liam isn’t around, the hopeless pining is still better than nothing, still better than missing him. 

 

When the bell rings and finally releases Theo from his suffering after last period, all he wants is to dump his books in his locker and get home beneath his blanket, to get rid of that stupid sweater and feel dumb and lonely in the peace of his bedroom, but just as he takes his jacket out of the locker, he’s suddenly engulfed by a familiar scent. Two warm hands are covering his eyes before he can turn around, and his body screams something entirely different than his brain that keeps insisting that Liam isn’t here today. 

 

Theo brings his hands up to the arms coming from behind him, wrapping his fingers around the wrists to pull them away, slowly craning his neck to see. His little jump when he finds Liam grinning right into his face is ridiculous, really. Who did he think it would be?

 

“Hey,” Theo says dumbly. “Wha- What are you doing here? You weren’t in class today.” 

 

Liam shrugs and doesn’t stop grinning, his arms crossed between the two boys due to Theo’s grip on his wrists. “I skipped a few classes,” he answers casually, “had a few things to do.” He just says it like that, as if it’s perfectly normal for a high school student to miss school because they have more important matters to tend to. 

 

“And now you’re here?” Theo asks. Very eloquent, stating the obvious. 

 

“Wanted to see you,” Liam smiles, and goddamnit, that smile alone makes up for all the doubts and the anxiety endured since Friday night. 

 

Theo’s heart is beating like crazy, hammering against his ribcage like it wants to jump out of his chest and throw itself at Liam, but can he blame it? Liam fucking Dunbar just said he wanted to see him. Him. Theo Raeken. Theo didn’t even think there was a universe existing where this was at least a possibility, and now Liam is standing right in front of him, looking as stunning as ever, and Theo is touching him, still not letting go of his wrists, mostly because he doesn’t trust himself to stay upright on his own. 

 

“You… wanted to see me?” He asks weakly, half afraid that he misheard it, that the dream is going to be over at any second. “Why?” 

 

“What do you mean, why?” Liam laughs. “What kind of question is that? Simply because I wanted to see you.”

 

Nothing makes sense to Theo anymore. He’s just Theo the one second, just a mediocre looking teenage boy, a gay high school nerd who nobody ever wastes a second look on, and then all of a sudden, from one moment to the next, he’s being kissed by the hottest, smartest, funniest and most interesting guy in Beacon Hills who now wants to see him even more? Theo feels like he’s missed something, like he’s read over that part of the story where the whole plot twist has its logical reason. Seriously, what’s the catch? 

 

Liam laughs. “You’re looking so damn adorable right now, Theo.” He peels Theo’s fingers off from around his wrists and intertwines them with him own, his palms soft and warm against Theo’s, making him feel incredible. Fucking hell, this is what it’s like to hold a boy’s hands. It’s amazing and Theo never wants to let go ever again, standing in the school hallway blushing and internally freaking the fuck out, but on the outside he’s speechless and paralyzed, scared of breaking whatever fragile thing Liam thinks he’s doing right now. 

 

“Do you want to come back to my place for dinner?” Liam asks. “My Mom is a fucking master chef, I promise.”

 

“Dinner?” Theo repeats. No, honestly, this is too good to be true, right? 

 

“Yeah, dinner,” Liam nods with a smile and a light squeeze of his hands. Then he lets go of one of Theo’s hands and pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Give me your number and I’ll text you my address.” 


	3. Chapter 3

Theo is genuinely surprised when he receives a text message with an address and two happily smiling emojis. By then, he only has one hour left to get ready and walk there by foot, which is his only real option, since there’s no way he’s telling his mom where he’s going and why in exchange for a ride. He has zero answers to the questions in his own head, and he knows all the things his mother is going to want to know from him will only make his anxiety a hundred times worse - not that there’s much capacity left for it to increase. 

 

With how little time he has left, the only way to look halfway acceptable is to try on the few clean and not too casual sweaters that he owns and send pictures of each outfit to Mason, asking for his best friend’s help with choosing one. 

 

_ I can’t believe I’m getting to help someone get ready for a date with Liam, _ Mason texts him, taking his sweet time fanboying over Liam before he even makes an attempt at being helpful. 

 

_ Focus! Grey or blue?  _ Theo replies, looking at himself in the mirror again, tugging at the few front strands of his hair that just won’t stay the way he puts them. Of course, there’s still the possibility that Liam is only luring him into some sort of trap, that what’s waiting for him at the address he received is the whole lacrosse team with their phones out and ready to record his final social downfall, and truth be told, Theo still thinks that scenario is at least as likely as for him to actually be invited to dinner at Liam’s, but just in case, it is absolutely necessary for him to look the absolute best he can, as limited as his potentials might be. 

 

He snaps out of his thoughts as he hears a knock on the bathroom door just before his older sister Tara peeks inside. “Hey Teddy Bear,” she says with a grin. She just loves to tease him, obviously not caring that Theo has long outgrown the chubby cheeks and the baby fat that used to make him look like an actual bear cub. 

 

“Go away, Tara,” he sighs, “I don’t have time for this right now.” 

 

“Oooooh, our little bear is snappy today,” she laughs, “I was just going to ask if you want to order pizza. I’m starving. So, you’re in?” 

 

“Actually, no,” Theo replies, a satisfied grin spreading over his lips at the surprised look on Tara’s face that he catches in the mirror. “I already have dinner plans tonight.” 

 

“Aw, are you and Mason finally embracing your never-ending love for each other and going out on real dates?” Tara asks jokingly, although Theo knows there’s a genuinely curious question hidden somewhere beneath it. 

 

“For the last time, Tara, we’re not gay,” he tells her, earning absolutely unconvinced and raised eyebrows in return. “Fine,” he shrugs, “we’re not gay for each other, okay?” 

 

“Well, so you’ve been saying, little brother,” she responds, flicking her long, dark hair back over her shoulder, “but I’ve never seen you hanging out with any other guy except Mason. Which leads me to my next question. Who are you getting all prettily dressed up for, huh?” 

 

“I’m not telling you,” he answers simply. Tara is two years older than Theo, has graduated long before Liam even transferred to Beacon Hills High, but Theo still wouldn’t be surprised if even she knew who Liam is, and in that case, she wouldn’t believe that her awkward, clumsy little brother has managed to get a date with the guy anyway, so what’s the point? Apart from that, they’re siblings and doing exactly the opposite of what the other one wants is always and by absolute nature their first instinct. 

 

“Why not?” Tara continues, now even standing behind Theo on the bathroom rug and poking him for extra annoyingness. “Oh, I know, is it because he isn’t real? Like your girlfriend from fourth grade? What was the name you made up for her again? Maria?” 

 

“Malia,” Theo grumbled in reply, swatting her hand away from where she was about to dig her claw-like fingernail into his waist again. “Her name was Malia and she was very much real. At least the pain was real after she kicked me in the balls.” 

 

“Nice story, brother,” Tara grins, “but you’re still going to have to give me a little bit of information if you want me to believe you.” 

 

“I don’t care if you believe me,” Theo shrugs. He has to admit, though, that he does care about her stopping her torturous inquisition. 

 

“Theoooooooooo,” she begs. 

 

Theo sighs. The little talk with her has cost him five highly valuable minutes already. “You know what? I’ll tell you where I’m going for dinner if you drive me there,” he suggests. 

 

Tara agrees and they seal the deal with a handshake, Theo gets ready to leave with his big sister sitting on the edge of the bathtub, searching for Liam’s profile on instagram and scrolling through it. “Daaaaaamn, little brother,” she comments after two more minutes, “you’re seriously going on a date with this guy here?” She holds out her phone to show him the picture of a shirtless Liam at the gym that he already has a perfect mental copy of. He’s not going to tell her how much time he’s spent looking at this exact picture. It’s not his fault that the six pack and the chest hair do things to him on the inside. 

 

“I- I don’t know,” Theo says quietly. “I mean, is it a date when a guy who kissed you asks you to come to his place for dinner?” 

 

“He fucking what now?” Tara all but shouts at him, almost throwing her phone across the bathroom. “Did you just say he kissed you?” Her green eyes are wide, her lips parted. It’s nice to see her speechless for once. It satisfies Theo deeply to know that he truly impressed her with this. 

 

“Yeah,” Theo shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant while also deeply blushing. 

 

“The answer is yes, Theo,” Tara declares. “A guy who kissed you inviting you for dinner is one hundred percent asking for a date. Also, what are you waiting for? Let’s go. You don’t want to be late, do you? Ugh, I can’t believe I’m driving my baby brother to a date with such a hot guy. You grew up so fast.” She clutches a hand over her heart dramatically as she drags Theo out of the bathroom and downstairs.

 

He rolls his eyes at her. “Jesus, Tara, I’m eighteen, remember? Also, Mason hasn’t told me which sweater to wear yet.” 

 

“This one,” she decides without even looking at it. “This one’s perfect.” It’s the grey one, which Theo has kept on because it’s slightly more comfy than the blue one. 

 

Just when Tara pulls up in front of Liam’s house, Theo gets Mason’s reply with an apology and a vote for the grey sweater. He smiles to himself and climbs out of his sister’s car before she can say anything super awkward, which he’s sure she will if only he lets her. But not today. Theo truly is nervous enough as it is. 

 

***

 

“Wow,” Liam smiles as he sweeps the door open. “You look so good. Have I told you that the beard really suits you?” 

 

Theo doesn’t know how to respond to that. Obviously, Liam hasn’t. It’s not like they’ve ever had an actual conversation, really. Liam said like two sentences to him on Friday night and then just turned up at school out of nowhere to randomly invite him for dinner earlier. But apparently, Liam doesn’t know what small talk is. He dives right in, just like he did with the kiss - just like Theo himself would never dare to - and, Theo isn’t going to lie about this, Liam’s boldness causes a huge part of his fascination for the boy. 

 

“Uh, thanks,” Theo mumbles, feeling his face heating up, only imagining the tomato it must be turning into, “You look very good also.” He can’t think of anything more original to say. He can’t really think much at all, not when he peeks over Liam’s shoulder inside the house and finds no fellow students there, no lacrosse players, no cameras directed at him, no sign that he’s walking into a trap. 

 

Liam looks at Theo and laughs a beautiful laugh, strokes his thumb over his cheek before he pulls him into a tight hug, not one of those that have seemingly replaced the casual handshake among teenagers, but one with both arms closing around Theo’s back, pulling him close, pressing him against Liam’s chest until he can feel the other boy’s heartbeat, one that lasts a second longer than it could have, one that makes Theo’s knees wobbly and his fingers itching to touch Liam’s strong shoulders again. 

 

“Come in,” Liam whispers as he pulls away, letting Theo inside his house. He’s a perfect gentleman, taking Theo’s jacket and even putting it on a hanger, showing Theo the house at first and telling him to make himself at home. 

 

Theo can’t help himself, he has to laugh. He’s smiling all the time as Liam gives him the tour, introducing him to Jenna and David, Liam’s parents in the kitchen, telling stories of their family vacations when he sees Theo looking at the pictures covering the wall in the living room, begging Theo to please not take a closer look at this or that corner that he didn’t get the chance to clean up after school, brushing Theo’s hand so lightly that it could as well be an accident. But when they finally get to Liam’s bedroom, Theo can’t hold his laughter in anymore. 

 

“What?” Liam asks with a smile, his sapphire blue eyes chasing Theo’s. “Is there something funny about my home?” 

 

“Yeah,” Theo says, “that it looks just like mine.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Liam wants to know. “You have my worn underwear kicked under your bed so that your carpet is at least visible too?” 

 

“No,” Theo laughs, “I mean- I don’t know. It’s just such a completely normal home. Like, with all the photos and the smell like food and the stuff in the corners and-” He catches Liam staring at him with a bemused smile on his face. “Sorry,” he says more calmly, “I’m being crazy, right? I don’t know what I expected your home to look like, honestly. It’s just that- I don’t know, you kind of seem like you’re from a different species than me and I guess it’s just weird to see that you’re actually not. Your parents are super nice too, by the way. Like, they’re awesome.” 

 

“You’re not crazy, Theo,” Liam whispers, taking Theo’s hand in his and rubbing his thumb over the back of it, making the skin tingle until Theo’s insides are tingling just as well. “You’re actually- hey, do you want to see something I bet you don’t have at your home?” 

 

“Sure,” Theo nods, but Liam doesn’t wait for his answer anyway, pulling him outside and onto a small balcony attached to his bedroom. Right next to the balcony there are two huge trees growing in the backyard, and between the two trees, where their branches are entangled in each other, a few pieces of wood have been set up to build something like a little platform. 

 

“What’s that?” Theo wants to know. It’s hard to focus while holding Liam’s hand.

 

“What does your inner six-year-old tell you it is?” Liam grins back. 

 

Theo’s eyes fall onto the tools spread on top of the handrail of the balcony - a box of nails and a hammer, a wood saw, various screwdrivers, and a bunch of other stuff. Theo isn’t really good with these things. 

 

“A treehouse?” he guesses. “Why is somebody building a treehouse in your backyard? Oh, do you have younger siblings?” 

 

Liam laughs and squeezes his hand. “No,” he replies. “First of all, it’s me who’s building the treehouse. And I don’t have any younger siblings, but I don’t think I need them to be entitled to the right to build myself something cool in my own backyard. I mean, there’s no age limit on treehouses, right?”

 

“I guess not,” Theo shrugs. 

 

“Also,” Liam adds, “for me, building a treehouse is as much about the building as it is about the treehouse. I know it doesn’t look like much yet, but it will. I only started it this weekend. But there’s something very satisfactory about creating something, don’t you think? I think I seek that satisfaction just as much as I want to have an actual treehouse.” 

 

“Yeah, I guess I get that,” Theo admits. It makes absolute sense the way Liam explains it. And he has faint memories of a time when he used to draw for the same reason. “Although I could never do anything even remotely like this. I have zero talent whatsoever to do anything with my hands. I suck at all sports that you use your hands for, I drop things all the time. I can’t even imagine building a treehouse. Did you just decide you wanted to and went to get some tools and got to it?” 

 

“It was kind of spontaneous, yeah,” Liam answers. “I was reminded that I always wanted a treehouse as a kid, but my actual father wouldn’t build one for me, and I never wanted to ask David to do it. It took me some time to get used to him, to be honest.” 

 

“How long have your Mom and David been together?” Theo wants to know. They seem like wonderful parents, but they also seem like a genuinely happy couple. 

 

“Almost ten years,” Liam says. 

 

“Looks like they’ve found the one, huh?” Theo remarks, although as soon as it’s left his mouth, he wonders whether he should have kept quiet. 

 

“Looks like it,” Liam answers quietly, “although it makes me wonder sometimes.” 

 

“Wonder about what?” 

 

“About why it couldn’t have been David all along,” Liam explains. “Why some things have to go terribly wrong first before they can work out better the next time. If your soulmate, or your significant other, or the one, or whatever you want to call them - if that person is really out there somewhere, then why do we have to have our hearts broken first? What is it good for?”

 

Theo thinks about this. He doesn’t have an answer, has never really thought about it. He also doesn’t want to say anything that will make Liam pull his hand away or destroy the mood in even the slightest. 

 

“Kind of makes me wonder what sort of tunnel I’ll have to walk through before seeing the light at the end,” Liam whispers into the cooling evening air. 

 

Theo did not plan for their conversation to go this dark this fast, and he’s absolutely not prepared to react to it. 

 

“Do you really think the tunnel is everybody’s inevitable destiny?” he asks, gathering up all of his courage and being the one to squeeze Liam’s hand for a change.

 

“Maybe not everybody’s,” Liam shrugs, “but I’m a lucky one like that.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Theo asks. “Is that why you hurt yourself?” He raises his hand between them, and with it Liam’s arm that’s exposed to his sight by the short sleeve of his t-shirt, a fresh red scratch on his forearm as well as a few older ones, a couple of tiny scars so pale that they’re barely visible, but Theo pays very close attention. 

 

Theo didn’t mean it as a critique on Liam’s body or an insult or anything, didn’t expect for Liam’s eyes to go so wide with fear. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes quickly, “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just- I actually think it’s pretty cool that your arms look like you’ve done things in your life. I’m sure you’re great at carpentry.” 

 

Liam releases his breath and smiles. “I’m actually terrible at it,” he states, raising one finger of the other hand, showing off a deep purple fingernail. “It’s going to take me an eternity to put a half decent treehouse together that won’t collapse beneath me, and it might cost me one or two fingers.” 

 

“Oh no,” Theo says, closing his second hand around Liam’s fingers. “Please take care of your fingers. I happen to like guys who have all ten fingers still attached to their hands in full length.” 

 

“Just for you I’ll make an exception then,” Liam smiles, “No, but seriously. Just because you’re bad at something, doesn’t mean you can’t have a lot of fun doing it anyway, right?” He leans in and nudges Theo’s shoulder. “Come on, tell me something you like in spite of being bad it. There has to be something.” 

 

Theo thinks about this. He doesn’t exactly agree with Liam. For him, being bad at something generally drains every bit of fun out of it. Why anybody would ever voluntarily torture themselves by pushing through with something they don’t succeed at is a mystery to him. Literally no inconvenience is too small for Theo to give up a plan and never even think about it again. That’s why he never plays Mason’s favorite video games against him and why he quit the football team. It’s why he lets Tara cook and walks the dog for her instead. 

 

“Come on,” Liam whispers again, “tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, Theo.” 

 

“Oh really?” Theo asks. “You expect me to share the most shameful aspects of my life with you? Really? What do I get in return?” He holds his breath until Liam answers. 

 

“Whatever you wish for.” 

 

_ I want you _ , Theo thinks, but doesn’t say it. What he says is, “I sing in the shower. And it’s terrible.” 

 

“Are you kidding me?” Liam laughs. “There’s no way in hell you’re a bad singer. I mean, listen to your voice! You have such a… soft and pleasant voice. Like I simply refuse to believe that a voice like yours could ever sound bad.” 

 

“Well, you’re going to have to take my word for it. I’m sure my sister would gladly confirm it for you, but I fear I can never let you hear the evidence of my deepest shame. I’d have to jump off of this balcony right after.” 

 

“You’re so mean, Theo,” Liam says with a pouty face. God, he looks adorable. “Telling me about you singing and then not doing it. How will I ever find sleep again?” 

 

“Stop it,” Theo mumbles, practically squirming beneath Liam’s intense stare. “You’re not going to talk me into this.” 

 

“Are you sure?” Liam asks, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows. “Because I can be very convincing. And persistent. I’m sure I’ll find some arguments-” 

 

“Dinner’s ready!” Jenna shouts from downstairs just at the right moment. Not that Theo wants to leave the little balcony or stop holding Liam’s hand in his own, but he fears that Liam is actually able to make him do anything, and he’d really prefer for Liam to never witness the atrocity that is his singing voice. 

 

***

 

“You weren’t exaggerating when you said your Mom was a master chef,” Theo points out as he’s fastening his seatbelt in the passenger seat of Liam’s car. He told Liam several times that he’s fine walking home by foot or just calling Tara to pick him up again, but the other boy insisted on driving him home. “Who do you think I am, Theo?” Liam said. “Some asshole who lets his boyfriend walk home alone at night? Uh-uh. Not happening.” 

 

Ever since that moment, Theo has been hyperventilating as inconspicuously as possible, rubbing his sweaty palms at his pants, trying not to freak out. He wants to ask. He’s repeated the b-word in his head so many times by now that he isn't sure whether it’s real anymore. Did Liam actually call him that? And what if he did? What on earth does any of this mean? The random kiss out of nowhere, the dinner with Liam’s parents, the talk about love and destiny and secrets, the drive home - and all the missing context. 

 

“Yeah?” Liam asks quietly. “Did you like it? I mean, all of it. Me.” 

 

“Yes,” Theo answers, his hands shaking until Liam reaches out and puts his fingers over it. 

 

“I want to tell you something, Theo,” Liam says, looking straight ahead at the nightly road. 

 

“What?” Theo asks. He’s curious. He’s intrigued by anything related to Liam, but now he has a feeling he could take sneak a peek behind the surface and maybe find something that actually clears things up a little, that maybe even explains Liam’s sudden interest in him. 

 

“Do you have a license, Theo?” Liam wants to know. “Do you drive?” 

 

“Yeah,” Theo nods, “when my parents or Tara let me take their car. I’ve been wanting my own forever though. I love driving.” 

 

“Then maybe you know that feeling that you get when you’re hitting the gas and you’re slowly getting closer to the speed limit, and it feels so good to just… to just be moving. And so you cross the speed limit and you keep going, you hit the gas until you’re going so fast that it scares you, and then you hit the brakes. And you know you’re playing a dangerous game, but the rush of adrenaline feels amazing, and when you let the windows down the wind hitting your face tastes like freedom. And the world around you is too slow to keep up with you, and you’re right on top of everything for a moment and nothing can stop you. Do you know that feeling?” 

 

“Yeah,” Theo nods, although he doesn’t, but listening to Liam talk makes it feel like he is experiencing everything Liam describes.

 

“I’m bad at hitting the brakes, Theo,” Liam whispers. “The worst actually. I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries. I’m just- I just really like you. And on Friday night, I wanted to kiss you. And I was speeding. And I failed to hit the brakes, and so I kissed you. And when I saw you in school today, I was on that same rush, and I just wanted to see you. I hope it wasn’t weird for you to meet my parents, or any of the stuff we talked about.” 

 

“Honestly?” Theo replies. He wants to brush it off by first instinct, wants to tell Liam that it’s cool, but he can’t. He feels like Liam is going out of his way to be honest with him, and he wants to return the favor. “It was weird, yeah. But you want to know why? Because I couldn’t see the reason. Because nobody ever bats an eye at me at school, and then suddenly the hottest guy in town just kisses me, completely out of the blue. And then you don’t turn up at school, at least not until after last period, and suddenly I’m invited to your house for dinner and meeting your parents. I’m sorry, but your good looks don’t make up for that being weird.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Liam says.

 

“No, wait,” Theo interrupts him. “I wasn’t done talking. It’s not so weird anymore. I mean, I obviously like you too. I let you kiss me and then I came here by my own will in spite of being confused as hell. But I’m here. Because I told myself that if there’s a chance that Liam Dunbar likes you, then-” 

 

“God, Theo, can I kiss you again?” 

 

“Yes,” Theo smiles. 

 

Liam hits the brakes until his car is parked by the road, then he leans over and takes Theo’s face in his hands, again, just like Friday night, but this time, Theo knows what to expect, and this time, Theo pulls him closer until their lips meet each other, puts all his passion into the kiss, allows Liam to slip his tongue inside his mouth, feels a shiver running up and down his spine as Liam moans. 

 

Everything makes sense now. Liam’s hands on his face, Theo’s fingers gripping Liam’s shirt, their mixed breath, the pace of their heartbeats, the windshield fogging up as they make out somewhere on the way from Liam’s house to Theo’s. It all makes perfect sense in this very moment, and all the things that don’t are not important enough to count. They’re speeding, and Theo knows what the taste of freedom really is. 


	4. Chapter 4

Three times by now. Three encounters. The kiss at the party, the surprise at Theo’s locker, the unexpectedly pleasant and intimate dinner at Liam’s. Three times should be enough to finally get Theo to stop doubting it all, to accept the reality that it’s truly happening to him, but there’s a voice in the back of his mind that won’t shut up, reminding him over and over again that it’s simply too good to be true. Too good, too easy, too unexpected - too everything that Theo isn’t used to in his life.

 

In some way, he still wouldn’t be surprised to wake up at any moment and find out that it was all just a dream, just his mind playing tricks on him. Theo knows he shouldn’t be like this. He should be happy and in love. He should call Mason to tell him in all the details what happened at Liam’s. Well, maybe leave out how many kisses followed after the first one in Liam’s car. He should be replying to Liam’s text messages. He should be scrolling through the folder of his gallery that he named Liam, should be blushing from the memory of Liam’s touch. 

 

It’s not like he does none of those things at all, it’s just that every single time, he’s interrupted by what ifs, and Theo has an incredible talent for continuing the smallest what ifs until he’s played out a whole tragedy in his head. There’s really nothing that can’t go wrong, he’s completely convinced of that. 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Mason asks on the phone later that night. “I’m pretty sure the appropriate reaction to Liam kissing you at the end of a date is a proper freakout, Theo. Why aren’t you freaking out?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Theo replies quietly. “Remember when you said I didn’t have anything to lose?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Well, it feels like now I do,” Theo explains to his best friend. “And I’m still not sure what’s happening to me or why, and frankly, what is up with things moving so fast? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not generally complaining, it’s just that it makes me… suspicious.” 

 

“Suspicious of what?” Mason demands to know. “You think he’s playing you?” 

 

Theo stops to think about this. He remembers the weight of Liam’s hand in his own and that incredible smile on his face, only that it was a little different when it was just for Theo and nobody else, the intimacy the whole thing had to it, like Theo was gifted his own personal ray of sunshine, and then he remembers the things Liam told him: the treehouse, and the light at the end of the tunnel, and what he said about the speeding. 

 

“No,” Theo answers. He doesn’t think Liam is playing him. That’s not it. 

 

“Then I don’t get what you’re worried about, dude. Seriously,” Mason sighs. 

 

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Theo admits, “it’s not that anything’s wrong with what’s happening. It’s just that it feels… odd, you know?” 

 

“I absolutely don’t know, Theo,” Mason responds. 

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Theo mumbles. He’s not going to try and elaborate any further. 

 

“You know what? Just have a good night’s sleep. I bet you’ll forget each and every single one of your worries as soon as you see him again tomorrow,” Mason suggests. 

 

“Probably a good idea,” Theo agrees, although it’s more because he wants his peace than because he actually believes Mason.

 

“Night, Teddy,” Mason singsongs into the phone.

 

“Uh,” Theo groans, “not you too. You guys are seriously the worst. Also, does that mean I can assume you and Tara have been talking while I was at Liam’s?” 

 

“Love you too,” Mason laughs, “sweet dreams, see you tomorrow.” 

 

“Wait, are you-” 

 

Mason has already hung up on him. 

 

“-serious right now?” Theo whispers the end of his sentence into the silence of his bedroom. “I swear to god, this whole world is just fucking with me.” 

 

Sleep doesn’t come easily, and the dreams that keep him awake are both sweet and bitter, the taste still on his sleepy tongue as he wakes up, a blurry filter thrown over the world like a thin curtain that doesn’t help him to hide.

 

Tuesday morning hits Theo like a brick in the face. And a second one in the stomach. And a bullet right through the heart. He has a déjà-vu as he enters the school yard, Mason waiting for him with way more excitement than Theo’s anxious self can muster, but at this point he can still tell himself he’s the only one making life hard on himself. 

 

He can’t say that anymore when the seat one row in front and two spots two the left from where he sits in social studies stays empty. Or when an entire school day passes and there is no Liam. When his lunch tastes all wrong and he doesn’t follow any of the conversations he’s having during break, when the chalk is screeching on the board and he wants to scream right back at it.

 

Sure, Theo should have known better than to get his hopes up, and that is his own fault. He’s been half ready to get dumped again from the moment he realized it was Liam pressing his body against Theo’s on the dancefloor. He doesn’t have the right to be hurt now, but he is, and that makes him feel even more stupid about it. He isn’t going to run after Liam, though. He’s known it all along. There’s no point in chasing something that’s so far out of his reach that he’d have to grow another pair of arms to stand a chance. 

 

Wednesday doesn’t get him any further, it’s just more of the same misery. More hours he spends spiraling, more classes passing without many original contributions, more scribbling on his desk, the letter L somehow always sneaking itself into the little drawings until he stops erasing it every time. Theo almost winces when someone mentions Liam’s name. He wonders when exactly he got in so deep. They weren’t exactly together, right? Barely anything even happened between them. 

 

At some point, Theo feels like he shouldn’t have gone to that party on Friday. He should have stayed away, and even if that would have meant no kisses or even words between him and Liam ever, at least he wouldn’t be roaming the school with his eyes always open and yet disappointed, wouldn’t feel like he’s the one responsible for Liam’s absence, wouldn’t look into the mirror in the morning expecting to eventually find what seems to be so disgustingly wrong with him. 

 

On Thursday, Theo’s stomach feels like it needs to tell him in the middle of third period that it’s hungry, and he wishes the ground would just open up and swallow him whole, because this is the kind of perfectly human, yet embarrassing thing that you can’t move past if you’re too tired of everything already, if you haven’t eaten in three days and have barely gotten any sleep that deserves to be called that. For the first time in his life, Theo skips class, and not because he didn’t do his homework, or because he’s a lazy shit, or because he’d rather have a smoke behind the school building with his friends. It’s because it’s world history, and Theo knows he won’t be able to sit through it for an entire forty-five minutes if Liam isn’t there. 

 

Anger takes over for a short while, and what Theo is angry about isn’t that Liam is gone anymore - let that asshole do what he wants - but that he had to drag Theo in before disappearing. The kiss? Okay, maybe. It was a party, after all, they were both a little tipsy. The date? Sure, if Liam thought that was what he wanted. It’s absolutely legitimate to try and get to know someone and then find out you don’t like them that much. Honestly, Theo wouldn’t even blame him for the make-out session in his car on the way home. Liam is a teenager, and if he wanted to get some action after the date before entirely giving up on Theo, then that wasn’t exactly a nice thing, but still somehow plausible. 

 

What isn’t okay, though, is the thing about Liam mentioning the word boyfriend. Because that word keeps ringing through Theo’s head, repeating like a broken cassette, like the one he used to listen to every night before bedtime when he was a kid until he’d played it so many times that it wouldn’t work anymore, but every time he started it, he believed it was magically fixed until it broke off at the exact same moment every night. He remembers Tara’s complete lack of empathy and how she told him to just pick a new one, since listening to the same story every single day of the year was dumb, but it didn’t work that way for him. Letting go can be so hard. 

 

On Friday, Theo forces an entire sandwich down, if only because he’s truly afraid of Mason force-feeding him at some point. No sight of Liam, and on the fourth day of his absence, it seems like the whole school has fallen into a similar mood as Theo, which doesn’t make him feel better at all. The cafeteria seems so strangely quiet that it leaves a sting in his heart, and after last period, Theo doesn’t have it in him to fight his feet as they carry him in entirely the wrong direction until he’s standing in front of the fence around the backyard behind Liam’s house. Another part of him breaks as he takes in the image. 

 

He suddenly understands that he needed to see this, but what he’s witnessing makes him sad. Apparently, a part of Theo’s subconscience has been telling him that Liam must be busy working on the treehouse, but between the two trees, on top of the branches that are darkened by the rain, the same couple of pieces of wood are nailed together as when he last saw them. The whole thing looks smaller from his place on the ground than it did from Liam’s balcony. 

 

God only knows how Theo makes it through the weekend. He listens to the same playlist on repeat, one that he created years ago, when teenagers still wore their hair straightened right in front of their eyes and black was his happy color (not to take happy the literal way). He must look absolutely pathetic, he realizes when Tara comes to his room, respectfully knocking instead of ripping the door open, setting a plate with steaming waffles down next to him. 

 

“So, do you want to-”   
  


“Go away!” Theo says harshly, but she should be thankful, because if she’d finished her sentence with “talk about it”, he would have had to rip her head off. The waffles taste like nothing. 

 

Out of what must be pure insanity, Theo goes to school with a tiny little flame of hope flaring inside him. It’s not like he absolutely wants to have his heart broken again, but realistically thinking, Liam has to come back at some point, right? And somehow a Monday seems the most likely day of the week for that to happen. The previous Monday did bring him Liam as well, so there’s nothing Theo can do against the thought crossing his mind and setting his stupid heart alight. 

 

Liam doesn’t turn up. Sadness turns into pain, and when single droplets of rain fall against the windows noisily, Theo wants to get up and scream at the sky, because if anyone should be crying, it’s him, and because life is unfair, and because why him, and because he’ll never be able to go on with his life like it was before Liam came and made a perfect mess out of it. He can barely pull himself together until after last period, and when the bell finally rings, he avoids his locker and goes straight for the nearest exit to get on his way home. 

 

His plan doesn’t work out the way he wants it to, though. Mason catches him before he can make a run. It seems very impolite to just take off running anyway, but Mason is his best friend and best friend equals attachment and attachment equals feelings and feelings…well. Feelings. These damn motherfuckers. 

 

“Not now, Mase,” Theo says, turning his face away. He’s already got the first tears threatening to fall from his tired eyes, and he doesn’t think he can take it right now, no matter how good his best friend’s intentions are. 

 

“Come on, Theo, you’re going to want to hear this,” Mason insists, touching Theo’s arm just when he’s ready to walk away and leave the other boy standing there.

 

“I’m not really in the mood to hear anything right now,” Theo presses out. He just wants to go home, wants to be done with this horrible week, wants to hide in his bedroom where Liam has never been supposed to be anyway, unlike at school, where everything reminds him that somebody is missing. 

 

“Look, I get it,” Mason calls after him, then he catches up with Theo and keeps talking as they walk down the street, Theo setting a quick pace that he originally thought would keep Mason from following behind. “I get how you feel, okay? But-” 

 

“Oh, really, Mason?” Theo snaps. He’s taking it out on entirely the wrong person, and he knows it, even as he still spits out harsh words towards a best friend who’s never not been there for him. But rage is pushing itself up inside him and then out of his mouth, and there’s nothing he can do to swallow it back down. “You think you know how I feel? How would you know that, huh? Just because you’re annoying me all the time on behalf of all socially anxious, half-closeted gay high school guys? Just because you find it entertaining how I’m apparently living some dream of yours? Well, I’ve got some news for you. This dream is a nightmare, and I hate it. I just want to fucking wake up and realize that it wasn’t real, okay? And you’re not helping me with that, like, at all. So just - just, for once - fuck off, dude.” 

 

Mason looks like he’s been punched in the face. Hard. Theo knows it hurts more because Theo is usually the least aggressive person on earth, and a normal, at peace with himself Theo would rather bite his tongue off than lash out at anybody like this, and not even Mason has ever witnessed anything even remotely close to this, not even on one of the multiple occasions when Tara had nothing better to do than to pick on them and make certain insinuations about the two boys and their relationship. 

 

They look at each other. Theo wishes Mason would hit him or something. At least that would make them even somehow. Or closer to even. He wishes Mason would get angry, because it would still be better than the pained expression on his face, the pity. Like Theo has skipped the stage of crying and instead gone straight for the full-on breakdown. Which is sort of not entirely wrong. 

 

Theo could apologize, but can he, really? Can he say the words? Is he sorry? Or is he just… empty? Or so full that he feels like he’s about to drown? He hates it. He hates this irk he’s feeling. The tingling in his hands, this feeling of control slowly slipping away from him, the cracks of his broken heart emanating a poison that takes over his body. The words on the tip of his tongue are not the same as the words his brain tells him he has to say to Mason now. His vision is too red, and he trusts himself even less than the rest of the world. 

 

“I wanted to tell you something about Liam,” Mason says. 

 

Theo hasn’t expected this. He’s conflicted. He isn’t supposed to care, right? So what if it’s about Liam. Liam hasn’t once called him, or texted him back, hasn’t even bothered coming to school or at least let Theo know he’s still alive. He couldn’t have made it any more obvious that he isn’t interested in Theo at all. He couldn’t have let him off any less gently. He couldn’t have pulled the whole thing off in an any more humiliating way. 

 

“Does it look to you like Liam wants me to know anything about him?” Theo asks sarcastically, gesturing vaguely around him as if to stress how absent Liam is. 

 

“Look, Theo,” Mason sighs, “I don’t know what’s up with Liam, but-” 

 

“You mean other than him being an absolute dick who realized he almost got things going with someone from a whole other social level?” 

 

“Have you ever considered the possibility that he hasn’t disappeared because of you?” Mason asks. 

 

Theo wants to reply with another snarky comment, but the tone in Mason’s voice wasn’t accusing. It was weirdly soft. Like there’s something else behind it. 

 

“Why, then?” he wants to know. Yes, he does want to know. He can tell Mason otherwise, but there really is no way of fooling himself in this. 

 

“Well, I don’t exactly have a very elaborate theory about that,” Mason admits, “but here’s something that I do know about him, and that definitely changes a bit of what I’ve thought of him so far.” 

 

Yes, Theo is properly curious now, sue him. He raises his eyebrows. “Come on then, spill it.” 

 

“Okay, so apparently there’s a reason why Liam transferred from Devenford Prep to Beacon Hills,” Mason begins, “except  _ transferred _ might not really be the accurate word for it, you know? Because according to someone I know from Devenford, Liam was thrown out after smashing his coach’s car with his lacrosse stick. There’s a video of it, and I can show you, but it’s not pretty.”

 

“He smashed a teacher’s car with a lacrosse stick?” Theo has to repeat the information, because it makes zero sense to him. Are they talking about the same Liam? It’s hard to believe, but Mason nods his confirmation. 

 

“He did, and there’s supposed to be a three-strikes-system there, so if that’s what got him kicked out, that means he already had two strikes,” Mason adds. 

 

“That sounds…- Are you sure we’re talking about Liam here?” Theo asks. He might hate Liam right now, but not even that changes the fact that the Liam he knows would never do that. He simply can’t get it through his head. 

 

“One hundred percent,” Mason says, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, “I happen to have the evidence.” 

 

Theo doesn’t want to see it. He also doesn’t want to think about it, but, of course, he does. And the more he thinks about, the more confused he gets. What is Liam playing at? What got into him to do something so… violent? And how did he manage to show a completely different face for all those weeks at Beacon Hills High? How does Theo fit into the picture? What’s up with the kiss and the date and the vanishing? It’s like Liam is one big cluster of missing puzzle pieces, and Theo didn’t even ask to solve this puzzle, but now he’s sitting over what barely forms a frame of a picture, and he can’t help but stare into the hole in the middle, wondering what it is that he’s not seeing even more than he wonders why. 


	5. Chapter 5

On Tuesday, Theo doesn’t make the same mistake again. He has to accept the fact that truly, he doesn’t know anything about Liam, whether he’s seen his stupid treehouse or not, and the reason Liam got thrown out of Devenford Prep is unmistakable proof of that. He has to accept the fact that he doesn’t know what Liam wants, and also that whatever it might be, it’s probably not Theo. The actual accepting is hard, but the realization helps him a bit, feels like a step in the right direction. 

 

“Don’t freak out, okay,” Mason says instead of a greeting as Theo arrives, the hood of his sweater pulled over his head, his face still not shaved. Naturally, Theo is freaking out before Mason can even spill the actual information. Because who even starts a sentence like that? Of course you have to freak out if you hear it. 

 

“He’s here,” Mason states simply, and Theo hates himself a bit for how fast he understands, and how vivid the image is that his mind is putting together right now, the image of baby blue eyes and soft, hazel brown hair and a sharp jawline and full, pink lips and- Theo needs to stop. 

 

“So what,” he shrugs, because this is what he’s telling himself, that he doesn’t care, because he really isn't supposed to. It’s not like Liam’s there for  _ him _ . He’d probably just get in trouble eventually for staying away from school so long. 

 

“I just wanted to give you a heads-up,” Mason says as they walk inside the school building, “don’t you have history first period?” 

 

Theo does. And so does Liam. He contemplates skipping again, although he can see the irony in that, after the last and also first time he’s skipped was because of Liam’s absence, but if things have changed since then, that’s probably a good sign. He doesn’t skip. There’s a part of him that believes Liam will notice, and he doesn’t want to appear as the loser of this game that he doesn’t know the rules of. He might feel the defeat in every aching and sleep-deprived bone of his body, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean he’s ever going to admit to it. In the end, Theo hurries so that he’s at least there before Liam, since having to walk past him to get to his spot in the row behind him seems a bit too big of a risk. 

 

You can call Theo many derogatory things, but he’s not an amateur when it comes to hiding in plain sight, to pretending like he isn’t a part of the scene around him, to ooze that vibe of  _ there’s no point in talking to me, please proceed to the next living person, thank you kindly.  _ He busies his slightly shaky hands with opening his backpack slowly, pulling out a notebook and several pens, a water bottle, his textbook, casually checking the non-existent texts on his phone, flicking his notebook open, setting his pen down to write something, just adding a few concluding sentences to an essay he wrote in it that aren’t really necessary. 

 

Theo likes to think that from the outside, he looks like he’s fully concentrated on his writing. He even bites his lip, which he’s observed many other students doing when they’ve been deeply in work mode, but doesn’t actually do himself. Maybe he should consider an acting career, he thinks to himself. In spite of his eyes being fixed to the ink on his paper sheets, Theo doesn’t miss a thing happening in the classroom. If social anxiety gets a tight enough grip around you, you learn pretty quickly to have an overview over every room you find yourself in, following the movements of those people you find the most threatening, being aware of every emergency exit just in case. 

 

On the inside, of course, Theo’s heart is hammering against his ribcage so violently that he half believes it might actually jump out of his chest any minute, which would totally ruin his perfect mask of nonchalant calmness. Calm is the furthest from what he is right now, but Theo is nothing if not a master of disguise. 

 

The second Liam enters the door, Theo knows it, but his hand keeps writing on its own while his brain blanks completely. Something makes him angry. It’s all he can feel for a moment, something hot and red and sharp in his stomach that wells up until it tastes bitter on his tongue. It’s that smile. Liam walks inside the classroom looking like always, and nothing about that seems right or fair or acceptable. His eyes are open and friendly and still as beautiful as Theo remembers them, his full lips pulled up into a beaming smile, also just as always, his posture relaxed, everything about him seeming so effortlessly casual that it makes Theo a little aggressive, because how dare he? 

 

How dare Liam just walk right in here like nothing’s wrong? How dare he look like he did when Theo still carried a heart in his chest that was whole, unbroken? How dare he be so obviously okay? Theo feels like Liam is supposed to look guilty. Like at least some sort of suffering would be appropriate for him after that’s all Theo himself has been doing for a week. At least some hint of it on his face. Just a tiny little bit. Just something that tells Theo he wasn’t nothing to Liam, maybe not the right guy, maybe not the one worth talking to or making an effort for, maybe not boyfriend material after all, but at least not fucking  _ nothing. _

 

“Hey there,” Liam says in a cheery tone, bouncing on his heels right in front of Theo, fingers resting on the little desk. Somehow Theo feels offended by Liam touching the flicked open page of his notebook, but that’s probably not the first thing he should call him out on. 

 

“Hey,” he replies without looking up. He wants to say  _ I hate you  _ as much as he wants to tell Liam the opposite, but he opts for coldness. It’s still not as cold as kissing someone and then ghosting them for an entire week though. Theo really is a nice guy in comparison. 

 

“What’s up?” Liam asks. He either can’t read the signs or he’s exceptionally good at completely ignoring them. 

 

“Nothing,” Theo grumbles, his gaze still fixed to the tip of his pen scraping over the paper. He can’t believe it. The audacity. Liam just showing up after a week and all he has to say is “What’s up?” Is he serious? 

 

“Hey, uhm, do you want to go to the movies tonight?” Liam asks. 

 

Now Theo can’t stop himself anymore. He puts his pen down in looks up, if only because he isn’t sure Liam isn’t kidding him, isn’t just messing with him some more. 

 

“The movies?” 

 

“Yeah,” Liam smiles, sitting down in the chair next to Theo’s. The look on his face doesn’t betray any sign of joking, but if Liam thinks Theo is just going to go to the movies with him after the previous few days, he’s not only dead wrong, but also a lot more stupid that Theo has thought so far. “I mean, we can totally do something else if you want to,” Liam continues, “but the weather’s not so great at the moment, and I thought a movie would be nice. So, you in?” 

 

Theo laughs instead of answering. He just laughs and averts his eyes again, because it somehow hurts to look into Liam’s face and imagine what it would be like if Liam was actually asking him out like this, if only he could still believe there was a genuine interest and good intentions involved. The thing is, this joke isn’t funny, not when it’s at Theo’s expense alone. 

 

“Theo, you in?” Liam repeats. Really? Does he have to ask again? Has he never heard of the saying that no answer is also an answer? 

 

“No,” Theo snorts. It’s not his style, usually, to get snarky with anybody other than Tara or Mason, but he’s also never been tested as badly as Liam is testing him right now. 

 

“Tomorrow, then?” Liam asks instead. The most audacious thing about it is the tone in his voice, almost sounding like he still has every right to ask, and to hope for Theo to accept, which he certainly doesn’t. 

 

“No,” Theo says again. Firmly this time, almost growling at him, trying to convey through his voice that he really doesn’t want Liam to keep trying. Apparently, he fails. 

 

“Tell me when’s good for you then,” Liam suggests. His fingertip is rubbing over the corner of the paper sheet Theo is writing on. 

 

“Why do you have to do this to me?” Theo now looks up and right into the wide open baby blues, putting his pen down. He can’t believe Liam still isn’t done with his stupid little game, can’t believe that anybody would ever be that cruel. What has he ever done to deserve it? 

 

“What am I doing to you, Theo?” Liam asks, looking a little confused and a lot sad. “I just… you said you like me. I want to take you out on a nice date. Didn’t you like the last one?” 

 

Theo gasps in shock. In that moment, he’s so overwhelmed by the absolutely ridiculous question that he doesn’t know how to respond to it. “Yes,” he finally spits out, “if you need to hear it so badly, then yes, here you go. I liked it, okay? I liked you and I liked spending time with you and I liked kissing you. Does that make you happy now? Can you fuck off and torture somebody else now?”

 

“I… what?!” 

 

“Look, I don’t know what game this is,” Theo continues, raising his voice now, half aware that people are listening, but a little beyond caring at that point. “I don’t know what I’ve ever done to become your target, but I want you to stop it. I don’t know what kind of fun you get out of kissing guys and pretending to like them only to drop them the next second, and frankly, I don’t want to know! You’re an asshole, Dunbar! You’re an asshole, and if you think I’ll ever go anywhere with you ever again, you’re a fucking stupid asshole as well! Get a normal hobby, for fuck’s sake! You’re fucking sick!” 

 

Something seems to have clicked with Liam as Theo ends his little rant. He doesn’t like the looks it’s getting him, but enough is enough, and what needs to be said needs to be said, it’s as simple as that. 

 

“I’m…, Theo, listen… I’m sorry, really,” Liam stutters. He looks like he’s been hit in the face, which is entirely unfair, because it’s definitely not Theo who goes around deliberately hurting people. 

 

Theo sighs. “Whatever,” he says. He’s done. He needs to be done with it. Needs to be done with Liam, or else it will tear him apart. He leans back in his chair and looks straight ahead, waiting stubbornly for the bell to ring and the lesson to start, for Liam to finally get out of his sight and give him some room to breathe again. Looking tough is hard when you have to use all your energy and composure on not bursting out in tears. 

 

***

 

_ He’s working on the treehouse again,  _ Mason decides to inform Theo in the afternoon that same day. Theo turns his phone down so that he doesn’t have to see the blinking light announcing a message anymore and tries to focus on his homework instead, but it’s too late to pretend he hasn’t read it, and it’s too late to tell himself it doesn’t make a difference to him. He’s a little mad at Mason for telling him. He didn’t want to know about Liam or the damn treehouse, but now that he does, he can’t stop thinking about it. 

 

The treehouse isn’t just a thing in Liam’s backyard. It isn’t just a thing Liam does. It’s not just a project randomly started on the weekend of their first kiss, temporarily abandoned during Liam’s absence from school and now apparently resumed. It’s something Liam decided to show Theo. Something he wanted to share. Something that matters to Liam, and Liam clearly wanted Theo to understand why. 

 

Theo shouldn’t have told Mason about it. He also shouldn’t have allowed Mason to find out where Liam lives. Now he’s all alone with the thought of Liam sitting in the tree, hammering nails into the wooden pieces, his tongue poking out as he works just like it does when he’s really concentrated on something at school. Theo remembers the tiny little scars and scratches all over Liam’s hands and arms, the rough pads of his fingers, the callouses, the broken skin he wanted to kiss better. 

 

He didn’t need that image. None of it helps him to move on, to let go and forget and be enough for himself again. He wonders if Liam was right about the tunnel after all, whether Liam is his darkness, and how much of it he’ll have to endure before he’ll see the light at the end of it one day. 

 

Theo’s phone buzzes again and he throws it away from him onto his bed - without looking this time. Mason is the greatest best friend imaginable, really. They’ve been through thick and thin together, through heartbreak and family crises. Mason hung out on the street in front of Theo’s house so that they could talk via walkie-talkies when Theo got himself grounded, and he would never ever forget that, but in the Liam-situation, his best friend just doesn’t seem to want to be helpful. 

 

Instead of finishing his homework, Theo decides to take a shower. It’s what he does when his brain won’t function properly, when he needs something to calm him down, to get him back to terms of peace with himself. God knows his tired body can use some hot water and soap. Theo turns on the water and undresses himself, avoiding looking into the mirror. He’s spent too much time already wondering which of his features would have to be improved for him to be good enough for a guy like Liam. 

 

The soft pressure of the water jet massaging his shoulders is wonderfully soothing, making his muscles relax for once. By the time Theo steps out of the shower and his steamed up bathroom, he feels absolutely boneless, but in a good way. He rubs the towel over his hair a few times, but doesn’t bother drying himself up properly before he falls down on top of his bed stark naked, pulling the sheets up and above him, sinking into a slumber immediately, finally arriving at the point where his body’s need for sleep is stronger than his brain’s anxious spiraling. He doesn’t try to fight it, he just sleeps. 

 

Theo sleeps for hours, longer than he’s managed in the previous eight days, for once not even dreaming. He wakes up to warmth and quiet that he feels like he isn’t used to anymore, tired and rested at the same time, turning around again and keeping his eyes shut for a while before checking his phone for the time. 

 

Which is when he realizes that the text he received earlier wasn’t from Mason, it was from Liam. 

 

_ Let me make it up to you,  _ it says, and it violently pushes him out of the momentary comfort, bringing him right back to the cold hard ground of reality. 

 

Theo’s first instinct is to delete the message. He presses the little bin button, but when his phone asks him if he’s sure he wants to permanently remove the message from his inbox, he can’t bring himself to confirm. He starts typing a response.  _ Too late,  _ he writes, then deletes the letters again. Why would he even bother? He doesn’t owe Liam a reply. Liam’s been the silent one, after all. No, he definitely shouldn’t text back. Liam deserves to have a taste of his own bitter medicine for sure. 

 

The problem is, the texts keep coming, and every it takes a little less time with every new message for Theo to relent and unlock his phone to read it. 

 

_ You were right, Theo. I’m an asshole.  _

 

Somehow, it’s not half as satisfactory as Theo thinks it should be to read this. So Liam has understood why Theo is mad at him, accepts the blame, but does it change anything? It doesn’t unbreak Theo’s heart, doesn’t soften the pain. Not even a little bit. 

 

_ You were wrong about another thing, though. I was never pretending.  _

 

Of course, it’s exactly what a pretender would say, right? But Theo knows better, at least in his head. If Liam did actually care about him, then what would have been the problem with showing him that? Why ghosting him then? Why disappearing? Why not at least let him know that he was alright? It just doesn’t make sense, doesn’t add up. Theo sighs and lowers his phone. As much as a part of him wishes for the next text to be something worth forgiving Liam, he also knows it won’t, and it shouldn’t, and he’s crazy for even thinking it. 

 

_ Will you open the door?  _

 

Now that absolutely not what Theo expected at all. Far from it. The absolute farthest from it imaginable, probably. Liam can’t actually - No, he actually can’t. He doesn’t know where Theo lives. He’s not standing in front of Theo’s door in this very moment. He isn’t. He’s just trying to somehow continue messing with him. There’s no other explanation. 

 

_ Theo? Please?  _

 

Theo tells himself he must be going crazy. He throws his blanket over the phone screen as if it would erase the messages from existence, as if it would somehow change the fact that Liam sent them, that Liam is still - for whatever reason he may have - trying to reach out to him. He sits back against the headboard of his bed and closes his arms around his bent legs, thinking that he just has to sit this out, just has to wait until Liam gives up. Surely Theo isn’t worth trying for much longer. 

 

For six offensively long minutes, Theo resists checking his phone again, but the passing seconds don’t calm him down, don’t make his heart beat any less wildly, don’t stop his head from spinning. And then the doorbell rings. And Theo knows exactly who it is. 


	6. Chapter 6

Half an hour after the doorbell scared the living shit out of Theo, he’s sitting in the passenger seat of Liam’s car again, letting the other boy take him to the movies after all. He’s nervous, he’s confused as hell, he’s approximately seventy percent sure he’s walking right into a trap, but Theo is also weak. Very, very weak. Utterly defenseless against the sparkling blue in Liam’s eyes and the little sun that rises when he smiles. He never stood a chance. 

 

He’s still mad at Liam. He’s so mad at Liam for ghosting him that a part of Theo wants to punch him. He doesn’t believe Liam gets what’s at stake for him. Apparently, Liam doesn’t realize just how deep he’s in already. That for Theo, the whole thing isn’t just a little bit of fun. It wasn’t just a drunken kiss, not just a nice conversation with a nice guy over dinner, not just a bit of making out in a car. It also wasn’t just a few days of waiting. It was torture, and what’s making him absolutely furious now that Liam suddenly decided to re-appear out of nowhere is the casualness of it all. 

 

“Just for the record,” Theo informs him, arms crossed in front of his chest, lips drawn into a pout, “you’re on thin fucking ice and I will not hesitate to just leave you sitting here at any given moment if you make me feel like it.” 

 

“Really?” Liam replies with a smile that shouldn’t look so bemused, but is also too pretty to really be offended by it. “How? Are you just going to jump out of the car?” 

 

Obviously, Theo didn’t mean it quite that literally, but he doesn’t feel like giving in right now. “Yes,” he answers firmly, “if I have to. So you better be a gentleman tonight.” 

 

“Okay,” Liam snorts, “let me know before you do so then. Just so I can maybe slow down a little, you know. To make sure you’re not getting yourself severely hurt or anything. Like a gentleman would do.” He even has the audacity to wink at Theo as he says it. 

 

“Shut up,” Theo mumbles in response. He hates himself a little for how hot his cheeks are feeling. Sarcastic comments calling him out shouldn’t work so well on him, but it’s really not like he can do anything about it. 

 

“See, I know you think you’re punishing me,” Liam continues to tease him, “but that look on your face right now? That might just be the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.” 

 

“Uh-uh,” Theo makes, shaking his head, “you’re not allowed to enjoy this. Would you be so kind as to tell me which kind of facial expression you find the least pleasing on another person?” 

 

“Forget it, Theo,” Liam beams at him, “you can’t win this one. It’s way too late for me to try to find you anything but gorgeous.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Theo asks. “Did you think I was gorgeous during that week when you completely ignored me? Was I so gorgeous that it kept you away from school that long? Is that it?” He can’t help himself. Theo is pretty sure it’s not the greatest move to turn the mood from light banter into… well, whatever he’s trying right now, but the things is, Theo doesn’t like things he doesn’t understand. He knows he’s smart and he can’t deal with things being kept from him. It’s his most natural instinct to try to make sense of things. Liam, in spite of being the biggest  _ thing  _ in Theo’s life at the moment, doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to him, which is not something Theo is simply going to accept that way. 

 

“No,” Liam sighs, shaking his head quietly, his lips pursed, suddenly looking so much more sad. “I was just…I would have talked to you, Theo. I would have come to school and we would have continued right where we’d left off the night before. I… It’s not like I didn’t want that anymore.” 

 

“Then what is the big but that’s missing at the end of that sentence, Liam?” Theo insists. It’s too late for him to not fall in love with Liam. He’s ready to listen. He’s willing to forgive. He wants to, he really does, but Liam has to give him something first, anything, really, literally any damn thing that comes at least close to an explanation. 

 

“But…,” Liam sighs, “I couldn’t.” 

 

“Why not?” Theo wants to know. 

 

“If I say that I can’t tell you,” Liam whispers as he pulls up in the parking lot in front of the cinema, “will you still come watch a movie with me?” 

 

Theo is conflicted. He wants to say yes, because who is he kidding? He likes Liam a lot and nothing about the ride has felt like he’s playing him. There’s something real and vulnerable in the blue eyes looking at him, or maybe something already broken. He pictures himself wrapping his arms around Liam and holding him, thinks of the words he’d choose if he were to tell Liam that everything would be alright, that he’d be there for him no matter what. 

 

“No,” he answers instead. He’s bluffing, but apparently a little more successfully than anticipated. 

 

“I think I’m sick,” Liam says. 

 

Now that’s something Theo didn’t see coming at all. Liam lowers his head and keeps staring at his hands and all the little scars covering them, the engine of the car now turned off, the radio also, a dreadful silence settling around them. 

 

“Sick how?” Theo asks quietly. 

 

Liam shakes his head. “I mean, it’s not anything contagious of you’re worried about that. Nothing putting me in immediate danger or anything. It’s just… it really sucks. I was in bed for this entire week, to be honest. And I know I should have at least texted you to let you know I was alright, but I wasn’t, and I didn’t know what to say. Truth be told, I didn’t even think about what it would look like to you. I’m sorry for that, Theo. I really am.” 

 

“I know,” Theo nods, because by the tone in Liam’s voice and the way he’s nervously fumbling with the car key in his hands Theo can tell that he’s going out of his way big time to give him this bit of honesty. It also makes Theo feel a little stupid, because every single one of his theories about Liam’s previous vanishing was centered around himself and the things happening between the two of them. Not once has he even considered something entirely else being the reason. As Theo is now looking at Liam, he wants to kick himself. He’s clearly let the beauty and the popularity and everything loud and shiny about Liam blind him, hasn’t bothered to look past that, has somehow never believed someone seeming so effortlessly cool could also struggle. Which is the absolute peak of ridiculousness, obviously. Only it was a lot less obvious five minutes ago. 

 

“Are you okay now?” Theo asks. He can’t stand looking at Liam playing around with the keys any longer, so he reaches out for his hand instead and takes it in his own, squeezing it after he’s intertwined their fingers. 

 

“Depends,” Liam mutters, slowly raising his head, his eyes trained on their joined hands for a moment at first before he finally meets Theo’s gaze. “Do you still plan to jump out of my car and make a run? Or will you come see a movie with me?” 

 

Theo smiles. “Yeah, I’ll absolutely come see a movie with you.” 

 

Liam keeps looking at Theo, the smile spreading slowly this time, but it’s so bright and genuine that it makes Theo weak at the knees. He follows Liam inside with a fluttering heart, and as they’re standing in line at the ticket counter holding hands although theoretically, anybody in Beacon Hills could see them right now, Theo knows that his attempted resistance has failed, and that he couldn’t be any happier about it. 

 

It’s Liam who insists to pay for both their tickets and a tub of popcorn. Theo doesn’t even remember which movie it was that he agreed to watch as they find their seats in the almost empty movie theater. He’s too distracted to function properly, but who can blame him? That’s just what happens to a boy who’s lucky enough to go on a date in public with Liam Dunbar and hold his hand. 

 

“Really?” Theo asks as Liam slumps down and pulls Theo next to him. “The very first row? Right at the front? The entire rest of this place is practically empty!” 

 

Liam lets out a little huffed laugh. “Were you hoping I was going to take you to the back row to make out, Theo?”

 

“No,” Theo replied, “well, I mean, that’s not what I meant. I just don’t know any person who would voluntarily sit in the front row at the cinema, I think.” 

 

“Now you do,” Liam says with a shrug. “It’s actually the best. You’re as close to the screen as you can get, and most importantly, nobody’s sitting in front of you. Also…” Liam sinks deeper down in his seat and stretches his legs out to the front. “... infinite leg space. You can thank me later.” 

 

“Well, I’ve never looked at it that way,” Theo admits as the lights turn off and the screen right in front of their noses flickers to life. 

 

“And just for the record,” Liam adds, whispering into Theo’s ear, “I’m absolutely not above making out a little in the front row as well…” He leans in and kisses his neck, causing Theo to squirm and move away, looking around to check if anybody’s watching them. 

 

“Stop that,” he mumbles, thankful for the darkness hiding his face that must once again be bright red. He does absolutely not want Liam to stop, but they’re still in a public place. 

 

“This movie’s rated PG-13, Theo,” Liam points out, “I think a little kissing is fine. No children around.” 

 

The thing is,  _ a little kissing  _ doesn’t exist when it comes to Liam and Theo, and no matter how little he knows about the other boy, this is something he can confirm from his own experience, so he pushes a laughing Liam away and leans back into his seat, taking Liam’s hand in his lap instead and holding onto it. 

 

They’re both grinning as they follow the silent agreement to actually pay attention. The sharing of their tub of popcorn gets a little complicated because Liam has to hold it with his other hand and Theo has to reach over to grab some, but neither of them seems ready to let go of each other’s hand in the middle. Theo loves watching the previews and trailers before the movie begins, always tries to remember which one he wants to check out as soon as they’re released, even though he knows that he mostly never does. Liam is unexpectedly silent, munching popcorn and keeping his eyes trained forward although the movie they came to see hasn’t even started. 

 

Approximately five minutes in, maybe a little less even, Liam seems to have enough of it though. He puts the popcorn away and pulls their joined hands over to rest on his thigh instead of Theo’s, then starts to gently caress every single finger and the back of Theo’s hand. It’s perfectly innocent, or at least it should be. What Liam’s doing is innocent, it’s just their hands touching, but the reactions of Theo’s body are anything but. Liam doesn’t look, but judging by the grin on his face, he definitely knows. 

 

Already wondering how he’s supposed to sit through an entire movie like this, still completely clueless which movie it is that they’re pretending to be focused on, Theo gets completely destroyed by Liam suddenly lifting his hand and starting to press his lips against the knuckles, letting them brush along his fingers and then place a hundred kisses everywhere. A quiet moan wants to escape Theo’s mouth as Liam untangles their fingers and brings the tips of Theo’s fingers to his lips. The whole thing is entirely too arousing for it to happen in the front row of a movie theater and Theo is having serious trouble keeping his composure. 

 

“Liam,” he whispers. It sounds like begging, although he isn’t sure what he’s begging for exactly. Does he want Liam to stop? Or to keep going? Or to finally take this to a more private place? 

 

“Agreed,” Liam simply replies before he pulls Theo out of his seat and drags him out of the darkened room, walking so fast that Theo seriously has to wonder whether the other boy’s maybe not as… physically affected as he is. 

 

“Where are we going?” Theo asks dumbly. He doesn't actually care. He’d follow Liam anywhere, the only condition being that they’re alone there. 

 

“The movie was great,” Liam announces, “I’m going to drive you home now.” 

 

Theo has to laugh. “We didn’t even watch the movie. We were there for like ten minutes, and god knows I didn’t pay attention at all.” 

 

“Personally, I’ve now seen all the interesting movies coming out in the next three months, so I’m good,” Liam shrugs. 

 

“Oh yeah?” Theo asks. “You like paying for a movie ticket and then only getting to see the previews?”

 

“Are you kidding me? The previews are the best thing about this.”

 

Theo has to give him a funny look. He can’t help it. Sometimes it feels like Liam belongs to an entirely different species than everybody else he knows. The previews are literally the most annoying thing for most people, and Theo has always thought he must be the only one enjoying them. 

 

Liam continues to explain, “I mean, if you’ve seen a trailer, there’s technically no real necessity to watch the entire rest of the movie as well. I mean, they put all of the best scenes in there anyway, right? I feel like I’ve seen eight great movies today, and I didn’t even have to sit my ass sore for it. How much better can it be?” 

 

How much better can it be? Theo is pretty sure he’s about to find out exactly that as Liam unlocks his car and then pushes him up against it before either of them can get inside. “I’ve been missing this so much,” Liam whispers against Theo’s lips, their chests heaving and sinking against each other, their heartbeats in racing synchrony. 

 

“Me too,” Theo whispers back, because it’s the truth and it’s not like he can hide it from Liam, not when his entire body is betraying him, all tingly and shaking with want and excitement. Even though Liam surges forward and kisses him, keeps kissing his lips passionately, Theo still has to pull him closer by the neck and hold onto him, has to touch him to make sure it’s really happening and Liam won’t leave again, but leaving Theo seems to be the last thing on Liam’s mind in that moment. 

 

Liam catches his breath with his nose pressed against Theo’s neck, arms wrapped around his back. “Can I bring you home now?” He asks. “Because I feel like the direction where this is heading isn’t the right one for a fucking parking lot.” 

 

“Yes, please,” Theo says. 

 

They’re both restless in their seats as they drive, their hands joined again although it’s a little impractical for operating the car, but it seems important to not interrupt the connection between them. Theo can’t keep his eyes off of Liam. In a way, he likes it that Liam has to focus on the road and can’t look back at him all the time. It gives him the chance to really admire his beauty from up close without feeling creepy about it. There’s no shame in his lingering looks as he’s drinking in the sight. Liam’s muscled arm and strong shoulder, the tender skin of his neck, the sharp edge of his jawline, the light stubble covering his face, the strands of soft, hazel brown hair falling onto his forehead, the incredibly long lashes ghosting over his cheeks when he blinks. He’s just absolutely and breathtakingly beautiful. 

 

By the time Liam parks his car on the street outside of Theo’s house and they practically run to the front door, Liam’s arm slung around Theo’s waist, his hands slightly trembling as he clumsily maneuvers the key inside the lock and lets them in, Theo is way too far gone on his own delirious happiness to give a damn about Tara, staring at them in shock as they stumble up the stairs without letting go of another, grinning like idiots. 

 

“Liam,” Theo says, “this is my sister Tara. Tara, Liam.” 

 

He gives neither of them the time to greet each other properly. He needs to close the door of his bedroom behind them and then get his mouth back on Liam immediately, it’s as simple as that, and for once, for the very first time in his so far romantically disappointing life as a gay introvert, nothing is going to stop him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned in the beginning notes for this work, the reason that it has a Non-Con warning is a scene near the end of this chapter. Liam takes things a little too far and doesn't notice Theo's discomfort, doesn't stop when he's told to.   
> It is perfectly fine for you to just skip that scene if you want. I've marked it with *#* before and after.  
> If you have any questions/concerns about me including this scene in my story, please feel free to contact me via [tumblr.](<a%20href=)

“Ouch! What was that for?” Theo rubs his arm where Mason just slapped it as they make their way from their daily meeting point to the entrance of the school building. 

 

“That was because I had to learn from your sister that you were on a date with Liam last night. And you even brought him home afterwards? What the fuck, Theo! How far did you two take it, huh? Tell me everything!” 

 

“Okay so first of all, I will absolutely not tell you everything,” Theo replies, thinking back to the things he let Liam do to him, blushing from the memory alone. “Second of all, I would have told you, but he kind of just showed up at my door unannounced. It’s not like I  _ wanted  _ to go out with him.” 

 

“Oh no,” Mason snorted, “you poor boy. Did the hottest fucking guy in town force you on a date with him? How terrible! Did he also force you to stick your tongue down his throat? What else did he force you to do?” 

 

“Shut up, Mase!” Theo whisper-shouts at his best friend. They’re walking down the crowded hallway before first period. There are enough people surrounding them who can hear every word they say, and, unlike ten days ago, they now probably even care a little bit about it. 

 

“Seriously though,” Mason asks a lot more quietly as they stop in front of their lockers, “what’s up with all of that? I mean, what has he been doing for this whole week? I mean, not that I can blame you, but please tell me you didn’t just forgive him.” 

 

“Of course not,” Theo sighs. “I was pretty upset with him, obviously. I turned him down at school yesterday, and I refused to come down to see him when he was at my door at first, but he wouldn’t leave. He said that he liked me, and that he was ready to stay in front of my house all night if necessary, which is a little bit creepy now that I think about it, but it was so… I don’t know, he seemed so genuine. So determined to make it up to me. And I kind of got weak eventually.” 

 

“Did he at least have a good excuse for treating you like shit?” His best friend demands to know. Theo knows this is where it gets complicated, because he can’t exactly tell Mason what’s the deal with Liam, partly because he doesn’t really know much about it himself, but above all because he’s pretty positive Liam wouldn’t want him to, and he’s not going to disrespect that. 

 

“Okay, so I know this is going to sound like I’m an utterly whipped loser making excuses for the only boy who’s ever touched me,” Theo sighs while pinching his nose, “but I swear to god I know what I’m doing, okay?” He does absolutely not know what he’s doing at all.

 

Mason doesn’t verbally answer, but the sceptical expression on his face says everything. Honestly and above all, it just means that he’s an amazing friend who’s genuinely concerned on Theo’s behalf, but it’s also frustrating.

 

“I can’t tell you where he’s been all that time he didn’t show up, okay? Because I feel like that’s very private and I appreciate him telling me, so I won’t make him regret doing so. So you’re just going to take my word on it when I say that, yes, he did have a good excuse. And I did make him work for a second chance anyways. And he was ready and willing to. And no matter how far upwards you’re going to pull your eyebrow, my friend, I’m not going to just not like him anymore.” 

 

Mason keeps looking at him sternly for a moment, then releases his breath and leans in a little closer. “I know that, Theo. I’m not saying you can’t like him anymore. All I’m saying is he better not hurt you in any way, because we both know I’m going to be bluffing when I give him that  _ break his heart and I’ll break your legs _ speech.” 

 

“Oh my god, Mase!” Theo groans, but he can’t hide the laughter that suddenly wants out. “You’re not giving him any speech of that sort!” 

 

“Are you kidding me?” Mason replies. “I’m your best friend! You already refused to give me all the details of your sexy times! What do you think my job is here? I’m so going to give him that talk. A little threat has never killed anybody!” 

 

“Why do you have to be like this?” Theo asks, but it’s rhetorical and they both know it, the smile on Theo’s face too wide to pretend otherwise. 

 

“Because you’d be lost without me,” Mason says with a wink, and he isn’t even wrong about it. 

 

“Hey boys!” Liam practically yells from the entrance as he storms inside, his hair looking like he hasn’t come across a mirror on his way from bed to school, but if anything, it makes him more attractive. Theo wants to run his fingers through the messy mop on top of his head. He wonders what it would be like to wake up next to Liam in the morning. If only one day he’ll get the chance to find out. 

 

“Wow, someone’s in a good mood,” Mason mutters before Liam has reached them, “he definitely looks like he got some dick last night.” 

 

“Still not telling you,” Theo mumbles in reply, but then he’s shut up all of a sudden by Liam’s lips pressed on his own in a minty kiss in front of a whole lot of the students of Beacon Hills High. 

 

“Uh, wow,” Theo stutters shyly, “good morning.” He doesn’t think he’s ever going to get used to just being kissed by Liam, but the fact that the other boy is displaying their connection so openly throws him completely off. Something about it feels like it’s too good to be true, and the public attention is only raising the stakes for him. 

 

“Morning,” Liam beams, casually wrapping an arm around Theo’s waist. He clearly wants to say something more, but is cut off by Mason, who eyes Liam’s hand on Theo’s hip suspiciously and decides to straighten his shoulders in a ridiculous attempt to look threatening as he steps up to him and holds out his hand. 

 

“We haven’t been officially introduced, I think,” Mason states. While Theo already feels like he’d be okay with the shame killing him, his best friend isn’t done talking. “I’m Mason. This is my best friend right there, and if you hurt him in even the slightest, I promise you that I’ll-” 

 

“Aaaaaaand, that’s it,” Theo interrupts him. Not that Mason doesn’t have the best intentions, he just doesn’t really look very impressive in front of Liam, whose arms are as big as Mason’s thighs. “Class is about to start, so we all better get going.” 

 

He pulls Liam with him as he walks away, praying to all the gods currently available that Mason won’t follow to repeat what he didn’t get to say. It’s a little much, to be completely honest. Theo is still processing the events of the night before. He wasn’t expecting Liam to show up looking so damn irresistible, although he should have known better. He clearly hasn’t anticipated Liam’s will to show off their… kind-of-relationship at school with absolutely no shame. He’s never imagined walking into the classroom with Liam’s body directly attached to his own, and it feels completely unreal as it’s happening. Liam sits down right next to him, acting as if it had always been that way when absolutely nothing has ever been even remotely like it in Theo’s entire life. 

 

_ Am I going crazy? He wants to go out again after school! Is this really happening to me? Am I hallucinating? You’d tell me if I were hallucinating, right?  _

 

For once, it’s Theo who keeps texting Mason all day long during class. He’s absolutely happy, no doubt. Liam keeps grabbing his hand as they walk to class together, and when there’s a period in between that they don’t share, he insists on walking Theo there either way, waiting right outside of the classroom as soon as it’s over, bringing out that trademark smile when he sees him, asking how the lesson was. 

 

It’s nice, really. It feels great to get so much attention from a person he likes. Liam asks every possible question about Theo’s life. It’s strange at first. Theo answers as shortly as he can, politely answering, careful not to drown Liam in random information he surely can’t be that interested in, but Liam keeps digging quite persistently, squeezes Theo’s hand while he’s speaking, laughs at just the right parts of his stories, clearly pays attention, soon making Theo feel like he actually  _ wants  _ to do this. 

 

Now this is a big part of what being an introvert means - guarding your personal story like it’s a state secret. Every bit of information about himself Theo releases makes him a little more vulnerable. People knowing you is scary, especially when you can’t be sure their interest in you comes from a one hundred percent genuine place. For that exact reason, Theo has been living his life building walls around his poor little heart, generally not letting anybody else but Mason in, half waiting for the person who would prove to be worth opening up for. 

 

With Liam, everything feels different than before. There’s a latent fear somewhere deep down inside Theo, telling him that he can’t be that great, that a guy as attractive and funny and smart as Liam can’t actually like him more than anybody else in school, because what sense does it make? There’s this constant awareness that whatever happiness he might be feeling momentarily will probably be over soon, that disappointment is almost inevitable. Liam is going to realize eventually that Theo doesn’t play in the same league as him, right? Hell, Theo hasn’t even signed up for the same sport! 

 

Yet all of the doubts are pushed to the very back of Theo’s mind, still existing, but not changing the fact that Liam is the single greatest thing that’s ever happened to him. Theo enjoys it too much. After school on Wednesday, Liam takes him to a diner and orders practically everything on the menu. Theo has never eaten remotely as much food in one day as he does then, and when he already thinks he’s going to explode, Liam feeds him some pie. 

 

On Thursday, Liam takes Theo to show him the progress he’s made on the treehouse in his backyard. Theo is genuinely impressed by his creation. It looks like a lot more than the last time he’s seen it, and not at all like Liam has actually no idea what he’s doing. It turns out that Theo isn’t very helpful with anything carpentry related, but that’s okay, too. He’s good at kissing the little cuts and bruises covering Liam’s hands and arms a little more with every day he’s working on his project. 

 

“Come up here, I want to show you something,” Liam says from the wooden platform, looking down at Theo who’s standing in the grass. The only way to actually get into the treehouse that isn’t exactly a house yet is a ladder that’s loosely leaning against the tree trunk. 

 

“No thanks,” Theo replies. His knees get wobbly at the thought of Liam being up there alone. “I’m good here.” 

 

“What? No! You need to see this. I did it only for you, so it has no meaning if you won’t ever see it,” Liam pouts, making his best puppy eyes at Theo, who of course, finds himself utterly incapable of resisting. 

 

“Have I ever mentioned my crippling fear of heights?” Theo mumbles as he starts climbing the ladder. 

 

“Well, if you overcome that fear now, I promise I’ll make it worth it,” Liam beams at him. 

 

Theo almost dies of pure panic until Liam finally pulls him up onto the platform with him, holding Theo against his chest as he points at a wooden sign that has the letters T and L carved into it. 

 

“Wow,” Theo marvels. 

 

“Yeah,” Liam smiles, “I was ready to sacrifice a finger for you.” 

 

Theo chuckles and grabs Liam’s hand. “I told you, Liam, no finger sacrifices,” he says, “I still need those fingers. All of them.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Liam asks bemusedly. “For what?” 

 

He’s already defied his fear of heights, and now he’s practically lying on top of Liam in the existing half of a self made treehouse, so Theo decides to be bold and initiate a kiss. It’s wet and open-mouthed and leaves them both panting. “For you to touch me,” he whispers.

 

They spend all day making out until it gets dark and cold outside. Theo doesn’t care about Tara staring at his neck as he returns home. So what if he’s the one carrying around a few hickeys for once? He happens to like it that way. 

 

On Friday, Liam is back to ranting about history in school. Their teacher commits the terrible mistake to start a discussion that Liam happens to be very opinionated about, and nobody else out of the class really gets to say anything until the bell rings. Theo has to stop himself from bursting out in laughter. It’s not the point of a lesson to have everybody listen while one single student lectures their teacher on falsely translated historical documents and their impact on misinformation among modern historians, but it’s hilarious, and Liam is completely in his element, which really is the absolutely most beautiful thing to witness. 

 

Liam calls Theo every night before they go to bed. It never gets boring to talk to him for hours and hours, because Liam always finds something new to talk about. He just comes up with a random topic and starts firing questions, waits for Theo to think of an opinion and then listens. Liam talks a lot, but that’s not all of it. Theo suddenly talks a lot, too. After a couple of days, he feels like he’s heard his own voice more often since he and Liam met than in all the time of his life before that. 

 

“Do you get really mad at the world sometimes?” Liam asks one night as Theo is staring at the ceiling, his legs dangling from his bed, the phone pressed against his ear. 

 

“Mad about what?” he asks back. With Liam, he’s never entirely sure what exactly the question is the first time he hears it, although that might be the intention precisely, to leave it as open as possible to Theo. 

 

“I don’t know,” Liam says, “The life you’ve got. The things you don’t. The injustice.” 

 

Theo shrugs although Liam can’t see him. “I guess,” he answers, “but I could have it a lot worse, so…” 

 

“What kind of reason is that?” Liam wants to know. He sounds curious, not accusing. This is another great thing about Liam. He can completely disagree with you without being judgy about it. “I mean, does that actually comfort you? You could always have it worse. You could be homeless or starving or deadly sick right now. Of course your problems don’t seem so grave compared to that, but that doesn’t mean they don’t count, does it?”

 

“No,” Theo says, “but regardless of the things I don’t have, there are a lot of things I do that can’t be taken for granted. I have a home and a family and an education. I sleep in a warm bed every night and I’ve never worried about having enough water or food. I might be a loser, but I’m healthy and safe and generally pretty alright. There are enough people in this world who don’t have any of that. Don’t you think it’s kind of disrespectful to them to go ahead and say that your problems are pretty bad, too? Because are they, really?” 

 

“Of course they are,” Liam argues. “Following your logic, there would be only one person in the world allowed to ever complain about anything. Someone somewhere always has it worse than you, so that leaves like one single person at the very bottom of that list who has the absolute shittiest life ever. But that fact alone doesn’t make everybody else happy, does it?” 

 

“Well, now you’re just exaggerating,” Theo laughs. 

 

“Yeah I am,” Liam admits, “but it’s to support my point.” 

 

“What is your point exactly?” Theo asks. 

 

“That pain isn’t relative,” Liam says. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

“It means you hurt as much as you do and nobody can tell you it’s not that bad. It means your demons belong to you alone and only you can say how many there are and how scary they look. Being young and physically healthy, having a family and a home, the money in your pocket, or the food that you eat, none of that takes the right away from you to feel miserable. The shiniest world can be crumbling, Theo. And who can tell you that it’s not? Nobody can. Not when you know better.” 

 

“Wow,” Theo says, “I genuinely don’t know what to say to that.” 

 

“That’s cool,” Liam laughs, suddenly sounding less serious again, “I don’t think every discussion has to end in a conclusion we can agree on. Anyway, have I told you about the summer when I had a swimming pool yet?” 

 

It goes on like that, the entire being with Liam. He switches from light hearted banter to deep philosophical questions so fast that Theo has his difficulties keeping up. Listening to Liam talking is fascinating, even though Theo doesn’t understand half of the things he ever says, or maybe because of it. 

 

It’s not at all like Theo has any complaints about all the attention Liam drowns him in, it’s just unfamiliar to him. He simply doesn’t understand why anybody would voluntarily spend every free minute of their day with him. They’re either in school or out together, or at home and talking on the phone. Whenever Liam’s working on the treehouse, which he does a lot, he sends lots of pictures to keep Theo updated on his progress. The next weekend it looks like it’s done, but Liam keeps adding little details, carving patterns into the wood, painting the roof, cutting old carpets up to fit inside. 

 

On Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, Liam shows up at the window of Theo’s bedroom at quarter past two with a mischievous grin on his face a few flowers he must have stolen from one of the neighbors’ gardens. 

 

“Jesus, Liam,” Theo says as he opens the window and almost freezes to death. He goes straight back to bed to wrap himself in his blanket again. “Do you ever sleep?” 

 

“Sleep is for the mentally stable, Teddy Bear,” Liam winks as he crawls into bed behind him, his hands cold on Theo’s skin, but his lips warm on his neck. 

 

“Not you too,” Theo groans. “How the fuck does this even happen? Who told you to call me that? Was it Mason or did you somehow get brainwashed by my sister?” 

 

“Nobody told me,” Liam whispered. “I just decided it suits you.” 

 

“It doesn’t,” Theo grumbles, “I don’t look like a teddy bear at all.” 

 

“You do a little,” Liam laughs. 

 

“That’s it,” Theo sighs, “I’m getting rid of the beard. First thing in the morning, I’ll shave. I’ve had enough of you all.” 

 

He snuggles closer and lets himself melt against Liam, taking his hands in his own to warm them up. 

 

“No!” Liam protests. “Not the beard, Theo. You can’t do that to me.” 

 

“Oh, I can,” Theo smiles. 

 

“Fine,” Liam sighs, “but any other sort of hair on your body stays.”

 

Theo snorts. “We’ll see about that tomorrow. Night Liam.” 

 

“Night Teddy Bear.” 

 

Liam’s gone by the time Theo wakes up, but returns an hour later with a freshly baked cake as if it was completely normal to go home and bake a cake when you can’t sleep anymore. He looks so proud that Theo pretends for an entire minute that it doesn’t taste like the worst cake he’s ever eaten, but of course Liam can see right through him. 

 

“That bad, huh?” 

 

“God, I wish I could do things I’m bad at with as much confidence as you do,” Theo says instead of an actual answer. 

 

“Well, maybe it’s better that you can’t,” Liam shrugs. “At least you’ve never poisoned anybody, have you?” 

 

“No,” Theo shakes his head, “and I sincerely hope you haven’t either.” He puts the plate with the cake down in front of him. 

 

“Not yet,” Liam says. 

 

The next week continues the same way, with Theo spending all his time with Liam. It stops feeling weird for them to hold hands wherever they go. Tara doesn’t look up from the tv anymore when they enter the living room together, Mason eventually stops asking about what they do in bed together. Liam turns out to actually be a perfect gentleman, at least as long as they’re in public. As soon as they have some privacy, he can’t seem to keep his hands off of Theo, not that Theo himself is any better. 

 

It’s Friday when Liam drags Theo away from school although there are still two classes left, driving them to a place just outside of Beacon Hills that Theo doesn’t recognize at all, beaming at Theo the whole time, but not telling him what the surprise he’s planned is. Theo doesn’t even consider the fact that it could have anything to do with the helicopter waiting in the middle of an empty field before Liam stops the car and looks at it, then back at Theo, grinning, clearly waiting for a reaction. 

 

“Wait, what?” Theo asks incredulously. “I… I’m not sure I can follow you. Liam? You didn’t…?” 

 

Liam did. “I’ve always wanted to see Beacon Hills from above!” He shouts as they walk towards the helicopter. Liam greets the pilot and talks to him for a minute. 

 

“Liam, this is crazy!” Theo shrieks when he realizes that Liam isn’t just messing with him, that he’s actually supposed to get into the helicopter. 

 

“I know right?” Liam smiles. “Crazy exciting!” He takes Theo’s hand and holds it the whole time, helps Theo to put all the security belts on correctly, and distracts him with random facts about greek mythology through the headsets they’re handed while Theo is still stuck at the point where he can’t believe any of it is really happening. Admittedly, he’s known for a while that Liam likes to defy expectations. He’s known better than to think he knows what Liam has in store for him, but this? A freaking helicopter? What even does a little trip like this cost? 

 

“Oh god, I’m going to die,” Theo says as he can feel the ground disappearing from beneath him. He holds onto Liam’s hand like a lunatic and presses his eyes shut. “Tell my Mom I love her.” 

 

“Hey,” Liam says, stroking his hand gently, “I’m right here. I’ve got you. You’re fine. And you’re not allowed to die on me. I have plans with you, you know.” 

 

“Plans?” Theo asks through gritted teeth, his eyes still shut. He can feel that they’re flying, he doesn’t have to see it as well. 

 

“Yeah,” Liam confirms, “plans. If we’re being exact, not that anybody’s counting, but if you wanted to, then this here would be our three week anniversary. And not to brag, but I got us a fucking heli for that. So you can probably imagine I’m going to go all in for our wedding. And our kids. God, I can’t wait to spoil our kids all day long.” 

 

“What the fuck?” Theo croaks out, his eyes snapping open just so he can throw Liam a look of utter disbelief. He’s totally not looking past Liam and through the little window outside, no thank you. “You can’t talk about weddings and kids, Liam. That’s not how it works. Are we even boyfriends yet?” A whole lot of drama lies between that moment and the last and only time Liam has called him his boyfriend.

 

He realizes how stupid the question is as soon as it’s out though, and he would never have asked it on the ground and in full control of his body and brain, but he’s freaking the fuck out enough as it is, and Liam talking about their life together all casually as if it’s a given fact is kind of a little more than he’s ever expected. 

 

“What are you talking about?” Liam laughs. “Of course we are. Unless you don’t want to. In which case we definitely aren’t. But um, if you do, I mean, if you want to, uh, be boyfriends, then we totally are boyfriends.” 

 

“You really want that?” Theo whispers. 

 

“Seriously, Theo? Have you been paying any attention at all for the past three weeks? I am so clearly in love with you that the entire school, scratch that, the entire town knows it by now. You think I’d do this for just anybody?” Liam’s voice turns quieter. “I want nothing more than to be your boyfriend, Theo.” 

 

“Oh god,” Theo says, “then yes, we’re definitely boyfriends now.” 

 

Liam grins. “Do you think we can see our treehouse from up here?” 

 

“Nice try,” Theo laughs, “I’m not going to look for it.” 

 

Surprisingly, Theo survives the little adventure, and he even starts looking down at the town that seems ridiculously small from up in the sky. It’s the perfect metaphor, somehow, for the reality they live in to disappear for a while as Liam and Theo become  _ Liam and Theo.  _

 

“You think there’s any chance my boyfriend will come home with me after this?” Liam asks as they’re safely on the ground once again. 

 

Theo is wobbly on his knees, but whether the adrenaline comes from soaring in the sky or Liam calling him his boyfriend, he has no idea. Either way, he gets into Liam’s car with a racing heart and sweaty palms, silently smiling to himself as Liam drives them back to his place, clearly not having any time to waste, which Theo can’t really blame him for. He knows the feeling. He just wants to be alone with his boyfriend, wants to be able to kiss and touch and listen to Liam make all these magical little noises because of him.

 

*#*

 

They practically fall through the door of Liam’s bedroom already entangled in each other, Liam’s hands beneath Theo’s shirt and Theo tugging at Liam’s hair, their tongues exploring each other, moans being swallowed. Theo feels hot and heavy, Liam’s hands on his bare skin eliciting a fire inside him that’s burning hotter than anything he’s ever known. He’s hard, but Liam seems to be no better, their clothed dicks rubbing against each other as Liam pulls Theo close against him by the hips. 

 

Every kiss tastes fantastic, every touch leaves goosebumps in its wake. Theo lets out a moan as Liam pulls his shirt off and then pushes him onto the bed, discarding his own shirt as well, allowing Theo to run his fingers through the wonderfully soft fuzz of hair on his chest that just makes him utterly weak every time he sees it. 

 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Liam mutters in between kisses down Theo’s neck, his teeth scraping over Theo’s skin, his tongue flicking over the racing pulse. Theo starts squirming and panting. He isn’t used to the hunger that comes over him, to the wanton need, and especially not to the actual possibility of having his needs fulfilled. 

 

Theo almost comes in his pants when Liam bites down on one of his nipples. “Fuck,” he groans, “careful, Liam. Shit. This is too much.” 

 

Liam looks up and smirks at him, and then his mouth wanders farther south, his hands unbuttoning Theo’s jeans. Theo looks down to find a giant wet spot at the front of his briefs. His first instinct is to hide it in shame, but Liam doesn’t seem to mind it, on the contrary, he leans down and begins sucking on it. 

 

“Oh my god,” Theo moans, “you’re killing me. Jesus, Liam, stop it.” 

 

Liam doesn’t stop, he continues  to mouth at him while impatiently tugging down Theo’s pants, suddenly exposing him, which shouldn’t feel weird, but it does. Liam has seen Theo’s dick before, has even had it in his mouth, so there really is nothing to be shy about. Except that the last time it happened, it was different somehow. Liam went much more slowly about it, carefully, paid more attention to Theo’s eyes, his hands more gentle than greedy. 

 

“Liam,” Theo says, swallowing thickly. 

 

“Shh, baby,” Liam replies, “I’ve got you. I’m going to make you feel real good.” 

 

With those words, Liam pulls Theo’s pants all the way down and pushes his legs apart, earning a shocked gasp as cool air suddenly hits Theo’s ass right where… well, right  _ there.  _ Liam isn’t going to... is he? 

 

“Liam, can we like, slow this down a little?” Theo asks. Sure, his body tells him  _ yesyesyes,  _ but his sexually inexperienced brain needs more time to catch up, and somehow the whole thing doesn’t feel entirely pleasing. 

 

“Don’t you like this?” Liam asks, and before Theo can wonder what he’s talking about, he dives right in and licks over the single most intimate spot on Theo’s body, and Theo has seen enough porn to know that it’s supposed to feel amazing, but it doesn’t. 

 

Theo jumps and squirms out of Liam’s grip, putting his legs down, fighting against Liam’s hands holding them up. “Liam,” he says, “Liam! Liam, stop!” 

 

As if he’s been punched in the face, Liam finally looks up at him. “Wh- what is it?” 

 

Theo can’t see anything in his features that’s different in that moment than in all the moments before, but something still hurts about the way Liam is looking at him, and Theo panics. 

 

*#*

 

“I’m sorry,” he mutters as he scrambles off of the bed, hastily putting his pants and shirt back on. “I can’t do this. It’s too much.” 

 

“I don’t… what?” Liam seems completely confused. “Wait, Theo!” 

 

Theo is tempted to turn back around when he hears Liam following him down the stairs, but he knows he just broke something fragile, and he has no clue how to deal with it, doesn’t trust himself to not fuck it up any further, so he walks straight out of the door and onto the street, making his way home across town by foot, not stopping even when Liam calls after him to wait. 

 

“Talk to me, Theo!” 

 

But Theo doesn't know what to say. 

 

***

 

Theo feels like shit on Saturday morning, which might have something to do with all the hours he’s spent not sleeping. 

 

“Hey kiddo, you alright?” his Dad asks as he sits down at the breakfast table, pouring himself a big cup of black coffee. 

 

“Yeah,” Theo nods, because he’d rather bite off his tongue and eat it than tell his father what happened with Liam the previous night. 

 

“Listen, buddy,” his Dad sighs, and that’s the moment when he knows something’s wrong, because he hasn’t been a  _ buddy  _ in years. 

 

“What?” He asks anxiously, mentally contemplating which grandparent is the most likely to have died. 

 

“You’ve been hanging out with that Liam kid, right?” Theo’s father asks. 

 

_ Oh no,  _ Theo thinks immediately,  _ how can he know? How can he know what happened? This isn’t a coincidence.  _

 

“Yeah…?” Theo answers hesitantly, making it sound like he isn’t one hundred percent sure about his answer. 

 

“So, I was called to duty last night,” the man begins to explain. He’s one of the few full time employees of Beacon Hills’ fire department, and he talks about his job a lot, but it never sounds quite like it does that morning. 

 

“There was a fire, Theo. At your friend’s house.” 

 

Theo goes completely still and stares, waiting for his father to say it. 

 

“Liam’s fine,” the man states calmly, “and his parents too. They were really lucky. Got out of the house just in time.” 

 

Theo almost believes his mouth isn’t going to form the words burning on his tongue. “What happened?” He wants to know. 

 

“The sheriff’s department is still on the case, so it’s not official or anything, but apparently, there was a treehouse or something in the backyard, and it was set on fire, and then it almost burned the entire house down.”

 

“What?” Theo asks. Someone set Liam’s treehouse on fire? For what purpose? “Do they know who it was?” 

 

His Dad hesitates before he answers, clearly not liking what he has to tell Theo. “Yes, actually. They have a confession, I think. That’s actually why everybody got out of the house so quickly. Because it was Liam. He woke his parents up as soon as he realized that the fire would spread to the house.” 

 

“What?” Theo says again. He can’t help it, nothing makes sense. Why would Liam burn the treehouse down? He’s spent weeks working on it day and night, has put so much effort and so many details in it, has always talked about the things he wanted to use it for. Why would he just start a fire to destroy it? Theo is almost certain it must be a mistake, a misunderstanding. Liam’s too passionate about his project. It can’t be true. It can’t be him. It just can’t be. 

 

“I think it’s best if you stay away from him for a while, Theo,” his Dad says seriously. 

 

Theo doesn’t know how to answer. He doesn’t know what just happened, what he’s just been told. He doesn’t remember how to eat or drink or talk. He’s lucky breathing is a natural reflex of his body, or he’d be choking right now. Nothing makes sense anymore. Theo doesn’t know any damn thing except one - he sure as hell isn’t going to stay away from Liam. 


	8. Chapter 8

Theo knows he shouldn’t be mad when he once again hears nothing from Liam, but he can’t help himself. This is what they’ve talked about, the exact same thing that went wrong the last time. Although Theo now knows Liam isn’t just ignoring him without a reason, it still frustrates him infinitely. He’s sent a hundred text messages already, all of them more or less the same as the one he’s typing into his phone before school on Monday morning.

 

_Hey. I hope you’re okay. I’m here if you want to talk. I miss you._

 

Theo isn’t sure whether he’s doing the right thing anymore by sending one text after the other. He was determined to show Liam he wouldn’t give up on him on the weekend, but it’s easy to start doubting everything once you’ve done something for a while without any tiny bit of success.

 

Of course, Liam is obviously occupied with a whole lot of other things than Theo after the just had a fire in their home. It’s also not like Theo knows what’s up with that thing about him being sick. He’s vanished before, after all. Still, Liam should know that Theo’s panicking without the explicit assurance that Liam is alright, so he could at least have told him that. Except then Theo remembers something Liam said to him the day he talked him into watching a movie with him.

 

_I know I should have at least texted you to let you know I was alright, but I wasn’t, and I didn’t know what to say._

 

What if Liam isn’t alright? What if he’s in a bad place right now and just like back then, he doesn’t know what to say? What if he’s alone and sad and insecure? What if he’s scared? Liam isn’t just a guy that kissed him anymore, Theo thinks. They’re boyfriends now. Isn’t Theo supposed to know what’s going on? Isn’t he supposed to help?

 

“Emergency meeting!” Theo announces as he finally spots Mason arriving at the schoolyard, dragging his best friend away from where all the other students stream to the school building and into a quiet corner that nobody else uses this early. “For the sake of my sanity,” Theo says, “I need to talk to you about Liam.”

 

“You still haven’t heard from him?” Mason asks. No sarcasm, no hint of the often sharp edge in his tone, just simple, genuine concern and a soothing hand on Theo’s arm.

 

Theo shakes his head. “I’m starting to get worried. And this morning I remembered something he told me, and now I don’t know what to think anymore.”

 

“Okay,” Mason nods, rubbing Theo’s arm, “talk to me. I’m here for you.”

 

Theo sighs. “Just… this is about Liam and it’s kind of private, and I’m only telling you because I’m lost without you, and I already feel shitty enough about that, okay?”

 

“Of course,” Mason agrees, “but I don’t think you have anything to feel shitty about. Whatever this is about, it concerns you as well, not just him, and you have every right to share it with somebody who will help you figure it out.”

 

Theo looks at his best friend for a moment. “You were right, Mase,” he then admits, “I really would be lost without you.”

 

“Yes, I’m always right. Everybody should listen to me at all times, but we already knew that. Now tell me something I don’t know.”

 

“Okay, so basically, what I want to tell you is what Liam said the last time he reappeared after being gone. He very obviously didn’t want to, and he didn’t really give me much. He just said that he’d been sick. He didn’t tell me what he’d had, and in that moment it didn’t matter anymore. He seemed great, he looked great, he was back, you would never have believed something was wrong with him. I always thought whatever that had been was over, but now I’m not so sure anymore. What if there’s a little more going on right now than just the thing with the fire?”

 

Mason listens and remains silent as Theo speaks. He purses his lips, then opens his mouth to say something, decides against it. “Wow, I… I really don’t know what to say to that. I guess I assumed his vanishing had something to do with him being the one to set the fire. Isn’t that how it went?”

 

“That’s what my Dad says,” Theo shrugs, “although it makes zero sense. Do you have any idea how much time he’s spent building that treehouse? And he’s talked so much about it. Like, all the time. I have like a thousand photos on my phone just of different stages of his project. Why would he just burn it down before it’s even completely finished?”

 

“Theo, I hate to do this to you,” Mason says, a pained expression on his face as he pulls out his phone, “but I feel like maybe you should see this now.”

 

Before Theo realizes what’s happening, he finds himself staring at the screen of Mason’s phone, watching a video that looks like it shouldn’t have anything to do with him, but it does. It does, because it shows a teenager standing on top of a car, violently hammering a lacrosse stick against the windshield until it breaks, then turning around to proceed with the rear window, all the while screaming insults at the car beneath him. It does, because even if Theo hardly recognizes him like this, the teenager is Liam.

 

Tears start welling up in Theo’s eyes, because this right here isn’t a part of the Liam he’s been getting to know. He didn’t know that side of the boy he’s fallen in love with. There was no hint of anything even remotely close to the raw brutality anywhere in Liam’s words or touches.

 

“Put it away,” Theo croaks out, his voice suffocated by the tears that want to escape his eyes. He can’t watch this. It hurts. It hurts to know that this is Liam. It hurts to know that he had no idea. It hurts to realize that he isn’t really on the inside after all, that no matter how many random facts Liam has told him, no matter how many places all over town he’s taken him, he hasn’t really been letting Theo in, hasn’t really shown all of him, and Theo doesn’t understand. All he wants is to be the person who really knows Liam. It hurts to think about what he’s just seen, but does it make him love Liam any less? Hardly. How could Liam not have seen that? Not have trusted in that?

 

“Still,” Theo argues, although he knows it’s his broken heart making excuses for the boy it belongs to, “that car didn’t belong to him. The treehouse did. He wouldn’t have destroyed it. He loved it. He’s spent weeks working on it. He’s been all about that treehouse. He would never destroy it.”

 

Of course, Mason can see right through him. There’s no need to come up with that treehouse analogy for their relationship, but Theo has to, because he can’t utter the words otherwise.

 

“I don’t know, maybe he didn’t want to?” Mason suggests. “Maybe it was an accident?”

 

“How many times in your life have you set a fire by accident, Mase?” Theo asks. He doesn’t mean to be like this, but he feels like he’s been brooding over a riddle making no progress whatsoever for two days now, and it frustrates him so much he wants to kick something until it breaks.

 

Mason remains silent. They’re probably thinking the same. Liam is way too smart and thoughtful of a person to accidentally burn something. Theo doesn’t know what the truth is, but he knows a whole lot of versions he can’t make himself believe in, including the one where Liam lit a candle in his treehouse and then straight up forgot about it. Liam isn’t a child, and he isn’t one of those teenagers who do asshole-y things just for the sake of being assholes, and he would never have put his sleeping parents in that much danger, Theo is sure of it.

 

“I guess only Liam can tell you what happened and why,” Mason says quietly.

 

“Yeah, but Liam didn’t tell me shit about-” He gestures vaguely towards Mason’s phone. “-...that. He also hasn’t answered any of my calls or given any sign that he’s even still alive. What does he think I must be thinking? After there was a fucking fire at his home!”

 

“I know you’re upset, Theo,” Mason tells him, “and I totally get you. I really do. And you know I’m on your side all the way if it comes down to it. Always. But if you want my honest opinion on that? I don’t think Liam wants to keep you wondering. Who knows what he’s doing right now? Who knows how he is? What if he really is sick? What if it’s serious? What if it’s because of that?”

 

Too many questions. There are entirely too many questions that Theo has already asked himself without coming up with any sort of answer at all.

 

Mason turns a little more quiet and poses one more question. “What if he needs you right now?”

 

For someone who’s done it as much as Theo has, he sure hates crying a lot. He hates the inability to keep his feelings inside, hates for other people to be able to tell. What if Liam does need him?

 

“Mase?” Theo asks, rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes.

 

“Yes, I’ll cover for you in biology,” Mason nods with a wry smile.

 

And that’s it. Theo wasn’t even sure he was going to make the decision to skip school again, but as always, Mason knows what best to do, so he nods and sniffles and mutters a “thank you” as he gathers his things and sneaks off of the schoolyard without being caught. He can always decide that Liam doesn’t deserve a second chance later, but in his heart he’s still hoping that he won’t have to, so really, there’s no other option than to go see him and make sure he’s okay.

 

***

 

David should have known, he thinks as he’s brooding at home. He’s taken this Monday off as well as his wife Jenna, although it’s not exactly like they can do anything to help Liam in that very moment. Their son is asleep upstairs in his bedroom, has been that way for a little more than twenty-four hours.

 

Both David and Jenna tell themselves and each other and Liam that they have to stay at home to take care of the damage their house has suffered, to talk to their insurance company and the fire department, but none of that really matters to them. Their kid isn’t well, and there’s nothing even remotely as important as that.

 

It’s not like David has been completely in the dark about Liam so far. He’s a doctor, and a good one, as he likes to believe. Although he’s not a specialist in what Liam has, he knows the signs. He’s seen them. He’s seen them all the time, and in his head he’s known what they mean, but it’s all different when it’s not about a patient at the hospital, when it’s all about his own son, the sun that his world revolves around.

 

It has happened before, just never in such an extreme way. There have been times that Liam has spent in his bed without even getting up to eat or shower for days, and David has known that that’s not healthy. There have been times when Liam has been so hyperactive that it’s been hard to keep up with him, and David has known that that’s not normal either. Liam hasn’t been sleeping lately, has been working on that goddamn treehouse all the time. The horrendous bill for the rent of a helicopter, at least, should have been enough.

 

David realizes that Liam isn’t the only one who has been scared of this. Of admitting that something isn’t quite right with him. Of having to do something about it. Of needing to know.

 

Over twenty years of medical practice, god knows how many successfully treated patients, and yet David feels like he’s failed the one who matters the most. Maybe exactly because of that, for the exact reason that he could never look at Liam like he was a patient. Otherwise he would have made the decision sooner to go see a specialist.

 

Although Liam doesn’t want to, although David knows it will be hell to get him out of bed the next morning and get him to dress and preferably go to see the doctor they’ve made an appointment with on his own two feet, it’s the one thing that needs to be done now, and it’s so long overdue that the guilt is almost crushing him.

 

Jenna looks up from the fifth or sixth of her distraction-cakes - everybody deals with pain differently - as the doorbell rings. They exchange a brief look before his wife purses her lips, wipes her hands on her apron and straightens her shoulders before she opens the front door.

 

“Oh sweety,” David hears her saying, “come in. Are you alright?”

 

He knows by the sad tone in her voice who it is even before he hears Theo asking about Liam, and it breaks his heart as much as it mends it that Theo is there on a Monday morning when he’s definitely supposed to be in school, but David gets it, because he’s doing the exact same thing.

 

“I’m afraid he’s asleep right now,” Jenna answers Theo. “Do you want to come inside? Can I make you a cup of tea?”

 

Theo doesn’t want tea, he wants to see Liam. He wants to talk to him, or at least check to see if he’s alright. He can’t know. David can only imagine how confused Theo must be by everything that’s happened. The boy is a special one, and this is another thing he’s known all along, ever since Liam invited Theo home for dinner, which he’s never done with any other boy. Ever since David first saw them holding hands. The photo of Theo set as the background of Liam’s phone and the carvings he found in the half burned pieces of wood of the treehouse, those things didn’t surprise him at all anymore.

 

“Hey Theo?” David calls, waiting for Theo’s face to appear in the doorframe. The boy looks tired, his eyes puffy and red.

 

“Hello, Dr Geyer,” he says, trying to smile along with his greeting, but it’s a poor attempt.

 

“Would you mind joining me for a bit?” David asks. He might have missed out on some important things in the past, but he’s not about to repeat that mistake. “I feel like somebody should explain some of these things to you, huh?”

 

Theo only nods hesitantly, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket, but he comes inside and sits down on the sofa, clearly listening to what David has to say.

 

“Is Liam okay?” He wants to know, looking at David like he’s praying for a positive answer.

 

“Yes and no,” David answers. “Physically yes. He didn’t get hurt or anything. Not by the fire, anyway. But he’s feeling awful because of it.”

 

“Why did he do it?” Theo asks. “Why would he destroy his treehouse?”

 

“He didn’t mean to,” David explains, “not like this. He told me he had another idea how to make it better. He wanted to start from the beginning again, and he thought he’d just burn a few of the pieces so he wouldn’t have them lying around. Yes, it was very stupid and dangerous, and he clearly didn’t have any control over the situation, but his intentions weren’t that… bad.”

 

Theo leans back and stares ahead, but he doesn’t seem quite satisfied with the explanation David has offered him so far. It doesn’t surprise David, though. Theo’s a smart young man, and he did get to know Liam quite well.

 

“I know what you’re thinking,” David says. “That nothing makes sense. That Liam would never do something that stupid. That it doesn’t explain why he was gone for a week before and that he’s hiding again now. And you’re right about that.”

 

“Liam told me that he was gone because he was sick,” Theo says honestly, and that is now something that surprises David a little. So Liam has known that he’s sick. Not only that, he’s even admitted to it.

 

“He told you that?”

 

Theo shrugs. “I mean, he didn’t really explain it. I wanted to ask, but it didn’t seem like he wanted me to. And then everything was good again. Amazing, actually. So I didn’t think much of it.”

 

“Do you want me to explain to you what I know, Theo?” David asks. He can almost physically feel the pain radiating off of the young boy sitting across from him.

 

“I.. I’m not an expert in this, and Liam isn’t diagnosed yet, just to make that clear. But I know a thing or two, and I’m pretty sure what’s happening to him right now is a depressive episode, just like when he wasn’t in school for a week,” David explained.

 

“Oh. He said something about spending all that time in bed,” Theo whispers, maybe more to help himself understand this than to inform David about it.

 

“Yeah,” David nods, “that’s usually how it goes. He just stays in bed, sometimes for days. He sleeps a lot, and when he isn’t asleep he’s still almost not responsive at all. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t get up, doesn’t talk to us. We always let him because he always got better eventually, but I know now that we shouldn’t have.”

 

“Is it because of the fire?” Theo asks again.

 

“Not directly,” David shakes his head. “But it’s related, yes. I don’t think depression is Liam’s only problem, to be completely honest with you.”

 

Theo’s eyes widen at that. “What do you mean?”

 

“What I mean is all the stuff that happened in between, Theo,” David says. “He’s been up all the time, always outside, working. Did you know that he bought himself a German-English dictionary? And he’s been writing vocabulary cards and everything. Just like that, in his free time. I also know about the helicopter. And apparently he’s had a little crash with his car as well. Nothing serious, I just saw a letter from the insurance company.”

 

It’s in that moment that David sees tears welling up in Theo’s eyes.

 

“He was speeding,” Theo whispers to himself.

 

“Hey, Theo,” David says, unsure how to make the tears stop. If he’s being honest, he wants to join the crying. “Nothing happened, okay? He’s going to be fine.”

 

Theo shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I mean. He was speeding. All this time since he came back to school. That’s how he explained it to me. He told me the night I was here for the first time. How he loved driving, how he thought he was a little addicted to the adrenaline rush when going above the speed limit and hitting the gas some more. ‘I’m bad at hitting the brakes.’ That’s what he said to me. But I didn’t know he wasn’t actually talking about driving a car.”

 

David has to swallow hard at that. “You see, in a way, he’s had it down almost perfectly. If you ask me, what happened up to the fire was a hypomanic episode. And the guilt about it probably pushed him into depression.”

 

Theo looks up at him, clearly searching for something to hold onto, for something logically explicable, for reassurance, for an adult to tell him that nothing’s as bad as it sounds, that the pain will go away, but David can’t give him that. All he can give him is the truth.

 

“What does this mean?” Theo asks.

 

“Honestly?” David answers. “I’m not sure. For starters, it means that we’ll take Liam to see a specialist tomorrow morning. I’m guessing that he has a form of bipolar disorder.” Theo sinks a little deeper into the couch at that. “There are plenty of people living with mental illnesses, Theo. There’s medication for it, and therapy. In most cases, everything gets a whole lot better once the person has their diagnosis. That’s what I’m hoping for. I wish I could tell you something better than that, but I can’t. We’ll have to wait and see. And be there for him all the way until then.”

 

Jenna sits down next to Theo, puts a cup of steaming hot tea down on the coffee table in front of them and pulls him into a hug. “I’m sorry, sweetie,” she says, holding him for a minute just like she’d do with Liam.

 

“Can I see him?” Theo asks again. “It’s okay if he won’t talk, I just really need to see him.”

 

David doesn’t know whether it’s right, and he’s guessing Jenna doesn’t either. For Liam’s entire life they’ve been trying to protect him, to decide solely based on what’s best for him, and now it feels like for the first time, they’re absolutely clueless about exactly that. David accompanies Theo upstairs for some reason, knocks on Liam’s door before he opens it, although he knows there will be no answer.

 

“Look who’s here,” he whispers softly, speaking to Liam’s back, “Theo’s here.”

 

There’s no reaction. Theo looks scared, but he takes a deep breath and goes inside, walking around Liam’s bed slowly to see if he’s awake first. A smile spreads over his face as he looks down on the resting boy, and even though it’s mostly a sad smile, there’s also something else in it.

 

Theo doesn’t say anything as he climbs in bed next to Liam, lying close but without actual body contact, closing his eyes although it’s probably the last thing his instincts tell him to do. In spite of absolutely nothing happening inside Liam’s room, David feels as if he’s spying as he keeps standing in the hallway and peeking through the door. A few minutes pass, and there’s no movement. No words are spoken. There’s just breathing.

 

David almost jumps in surprise when Liam’s voice is the one that suddenly rises from the silence.

 

“You kept the beard,” it says, sounding raspy and almost not audible. Theo keeps his eyes closed but smiles again, and then they fall into silence again. This time, David doesn’t wait another five minutes outside of the door. He simply turns away and heads downstairs. Hope and heartbreak fighting for the power over him.


	9. Chapter 9

Bipolar II disorder. 

 

There it is, the one thing Liam has been dreading. The information he never wanted to have. The only kind of certainty he would have prefered to live without. A diagnosis.

 

It’s too early for him to know how he feels about it. He’s too tired, stuck too deep in darkness. His body feels too heavy. Everything besides lying in bed and breathing seems too hard for now. Liam remembers the fear, remembers that this is why he didn’t reach out to anybody. Why he never talked about it. But he can’t access those emotions at the moment. He can’t do anything except survive.

 

Liam isn’t stupid. He’s known for a very long time that something’s different about him. That something isn’t right. That a healthy person isn’t supposed to feel like he’s currently feeling. Every time he’s crushed down and spent the next couple of days or even weeks in a similar kind of hole, he’s understood a little better that he’s losing control. 

 

Liam is also capable of using a search engine. It didn’t take him long to figure out the symptoms. He’s had his suspicions for a long time. He didn’t want them confirmed until he got kicked out of Devenford Prep. After he recovered from the episode following after, he did some research. And with every word he eventually read about bipolar disorder, he felt like crying. Sometimes he had to close his laptop and escape the thought. Sometimes he threw his phone away to not have to look at the screen anymore. Sometimes, what he was digging up seemed too accusing, too true, too close to what he felt. 

 

Still, even as Liam himself was somehow accepting the truth about himself, as long as nobody else knew, as long as he didn’t have to speak about it, it was easy to push it to the very background. It was just a name, after all. A medical expression. It had nothing to do with real life. In real life, he was often speeding, and while he was speeding, he could rarely see that it was happening. He was just happy. He was in the middle of consuming happiness and he didn’t want it to ever end. 

 

It’s exactly the same thing that happened with Theo, he thinks. It felt like he was just in a really good mood that night at the party. Who knows.Theoretically, it could have even been the alcohol. He just wanted to dance with the gorgeous boy on the dance floor. And then he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to get to know Theo, and he wanted to hold his hand. He wanted to drive him home and to make him smile. He wanted him in his life, forever. None of that felt like a symptom. 

 

Hypomania is what it’s called. Sleeplessness. Increased activity. Racing thoughts. Talkativeness. Poor judgment of risks. Basically everything Liam’s been doing before the little fire that was only supposed to get rid of a few pieces of wood and then accidentally got out of hand and somehow spread to the two trees and Liam’s balcony, threatening to burn their house down. He was euphoric. About Theo and finally learning some interesting stuff in World History and building his own treehouse. The euphoria vanished quickly, though, as he was sitting in the emergency room of the hospital his stepdad works at, waiting to be told that he can go home. By the time he got released, his mind was blank. 

 

He didn’t ask his parents how they were when they drove home. He didn’t look at the damage done to the house as they arrived. Climbing the stairs to his bedroom seemed like a hard enough task already. He felt like dying when David announced they were going to see a doctor at last, but he didn't protest. His mouth just wouldn’t open. He turned away and let his freezing back be a statement for him. 

 

He barely noticed Theo joining him in his bed for a while. His body did. It felt warmer, somehow, a little more relaxed instead of just boneless. He would have reached out for the other boy with his hands, but they were cold anyway, and he would have needed to gather up the energy to lift them. 

 

He vaguely remembers saying something to Theo, but he fell into his usual state of half-sleep right after. There’s a whole list of symptoms for depression as well, but if you ask Liam, it all comes down to this: Being nothing. Feeling nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing. He wants nothing. He barely sees or hears or smells. His parents’ hands on his shoulder don’t feel like actual human touches. He doesn’t feel like eating or drinking. He doesn’t have any sense of time left. Maybe depression is that narrow little grey area between living and existing. 

 

When Theo was there to see him again later, Liam couldn’t. He told his dad to send him away. He could feel his body protesting, but he himself was too much to deal with already, and there was no hope of even trying to start processing any of the Theo situation. 

 

For a couple of days, Liam stays a little closer to the ‘existing’ end of the spectrum. It has to be good enough for a while, even with a diagnosis, even with the medication he now gets. It takes time. He doesn’t find the strength to pull himself out of his hole with his own arms, so he has to wait for time to wear down its edges, to allow him to see light again. 

 

The most painful part doesn’t follow until then, until Liam can feel himself getting better. He gets tired of his bed and the same four walls surrounding him. On the weekend, when he returns from the bathroom, he notices that it smells kind of bad in his room, cracks a window open, doesn’t shut the door behind him. Liam starts small. He takes a shower, changes the sheets on his bed. He charges his phone and takes a brief look in his inbox. He doesn’t really do much on Saturday, but it exhausts him. It also makes him feel like he’s moving a little closer to life again. 

 

On Sunday, with a body that feels like it remembers how to function again, Liam’s mind comes to full life as well, and that’s where things get difficult. It’s not like he forgot about the last thing that happened between him and Theo before his breakdown. It’s been there somewhere in his brain the whole time, he just hasn’t had the energy to start thinking about it. He does now, though, and it sends a hard blow to his slowly healing heart. 

 

This is the worst part, Liam realizes. He can live with himself needing time-outs from reality from time to time. So what if he’s a little crazy? So what if depression makes him feel like it’s not worth the fight sometimes? He can somehow make it through that. One thing that’s never been okay is collateral damage. 

 

Theo told him no, and he didn’t listen. In retrospect, it couldn’t be more obvious how uncomfortable Theo was, pressed into his bed and trying to get away from him. In that moment, Liam was completely blind to his discomfort though. Liam wanted. He wanted, and he was so on top of the world that limits didn’t exist anymore, and neither did boundaries. 

 

Sitting on the edge of his mattress, Liam looks down at his hands. Out of all the things that got out of control, the huge bill for a helicopter flight his parents had to pay, the fire, out of all the fuck-ups, the one thing he wishes could be undone the most, is that he ever laid his hands on Theo. 

 

A tear falls down into the palm of his hand as he remembers the first day of school at Beacon Hills High. From the moment he first saw him, Liam has known that Theo would change his life. He never knew how, or to what extent, would never have imagined it going quite like it is now. But there’s something about the soft shimmer in Theo’s sometimes more green, sometimes more grey eyes that’s been reeling him in from that moment on. Something in his voice when he speaks and in the way he moves his hands. Something about the faint blush of his cheeks. 

 

Liam can feel a pang in his chest as he realizes that this is what he’s ruined. He was lucky enough to meet the most beautiful, kind, smart, the most extraordinarily caring boy in the whole world. They can tell him all they want about these past weeks being a hypomanic episode, but they’re not entirely right. Theo wasn’t a part of that. Theo was different. Theo is still there, right in his heart, right at the spot that he’s occupied since that first day of school, right where it hurts the most. 

 

Liam lets out a strangled sob. He doesn’t have the right to cry because of what he did, because he’s not the victim of it. Theo is. Still, Liam can’t stop the tears from escaping his eyes. For the first time since the fire, he cries. He bawls his eyes out, his shoulders shaking as he buries his face into his pillow. It’s a strange mix of liberation and crushing guilt that he feels, and then there’s the heartbreak over the end of him and Theo. 

 

By the time Liam is done crying and sits up, it’s gone dark outside. 

 

“Hey honey,” his Mom says as she walks by his open door with a laundry basket. “You hungry? Want us to order pizza?” 

 

For one week, she’s been asking whether he’s hungry every day. She’s been bringing him breakfast in the mornings and sandwiches in the afternoon. She’s been making him tea and offering to cook something he could pick. She’s taken the untouched plates away hours later with no comment, has looked sad every time he shook his head at her, but she’s always accepted it, has forced a weak smile every time. 

 

Liam’s head is already moving sideways to tell her no, out of pure habit, when he realizes that he’s actually hungry. 

 

“I think I’d like that, yeah,” he answers weakly. He sounds nothing like he does when he really feels alright, but he can tell that his Mom is majorly happy about his reaction. 

 

“David!” She calls down the stairs. “Liam wants pizza! Can you order some?” 

 

“On it!” Liam hears his Dad replying from downstairs. He almost laughs because of how ridiculous it is. He remembers the times when his parents have told him that no, he wouldn’t get any pizza, because  _ you can’t have pizza for dinner every single night of the week, Liam.  _ Liam wonders what happened to that version of him. Was there an exact point where the nosey, yet innocent little kid in him got lost? When did things start to get out of control? 

 

Which was the first time he felt truly happy that wasn’t real? When did his good moods start to be a symptom of a disease? Is there any way to even tell? Liam thinks back to all the best moments of his life. To all the wonderful days and the special memories. How is he supposed to know how much of all that was him being genuinely happy? And how much was his hypomanic brain playing tricks on him? 

 

Liam closes his eyes and exhales, and what he sees with his eyes shut is a pair of stunningly beautiful eyes and a slightly weary smile, a little shy and absolutely adorable. He might not be able to draw a clear line between the times he was happy and the times he was showing signs of sickness. Maybe it’s not possible at all, and maybe he’s stupid for wanting to. But even without a line, he knows which side to put Theo on. 

 

The pizza tastes a little strange, but perhaps it’s just the taste of the air outside of Liam’s own bedroom and the company of his parents. Perhaps it’s also a little bit the fact that he’s wearing pants and that he’s sitting upright at the table. Possibly, it’s the slowly returning faith in himself doing regular life stuff like having dinner. 

 

“You think you’re up for school tomorrow?” David asks casually as he tosses the remains of the pizza crust in the trash. 

 

“It’s fine if you’re not, honey,” Jenna adds softly. 

 

Of course, Liam has considered the thought. Although he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to deal with seeing Theo again, he’s going to be in trouble if he misses even more classes. No matter how down he might have been for the last while, looking at the bigger picture that’s his life, Liam still wants to graduate at the first try. He knows he’s smart enough to catch up if only he tries hard enough, but that only counts if he starts soon. 

 

“Actually, I think it’s time,” Liam says. “I can’t really afford not to go.”

 

“Liam, you know you don’t have to pressure yourself, right?” His Mom points out, her brows furrowed into a concerned expression. “They know what you’re dealing with right now. They don’t expect you to be back already. And you have all the time to finish high school. You need to be alright first, okay? That always comes first, Liam.” 

 

“I know,” he nods, “I am. I will be. I want to go to school tomorrow.” 

 

“Okay,” she agrees, running a hand through his freshly washed hair. “I’ll drag you out of bed in the morning then.” 

 

Liam makes a little huffed nose-exhale that already comes pretty close to a laugh and is pulled into a hug by his mother. Life isn’t completely terrible anymore in that moment. With a full stomach and a smile on his lips, Liam goes to bed. He’s dreading the return to school as much as he’s looking forward to it, the fact that he has emotions about it at all being a win already. 

 

As per usual, Jenna literally has to drag Liam out of bed, pulling the blanket off of him and pulling her growling son away from the pillow he’s trying to hold onto by the ankle. It has nothing to do with him being depressed, though, and it has nothing to do with him not wanting to go to school, or not being ready. It’s a perfectly  _ Liam  _ thing. He’s just not a morning person, never has been, not even long before anything peculiar was going on with him. 

 

The shower helps waking Liam up. He takes his meds and leaves the house a little early. Everything goes great until he’s parking his car in front of the high school. He has a perfect view of the schoolyard. It’s the spot where he saw Theo for the first time, standing there with Mason, hands in his pockets while talking. All of a sudden, Liam becomes very aware of how hard it will be for him, to get over Theo, to see him every day at school and know that he could have been the one to make that gorgeous boy happy, if only he hadn’t ruined it. Every step towards the entrance doors makes the feeling of dread a little more real, causes his heart to beat a little faster, drumming the rhythm of a song about misery. 

 

Mondays are relatively lucky because Liam doesn’t share a lot of classes with Theo. He still has to sit through an entirety of forty-five minutes staring at the broad shoulders and the messy light brown hair that he knows feels even softer than it looks. Liam can tell by the way Theo keeps craning his neck after him that the other boy wants to talk to him, but he doesn’t know what to say, so he makes a run for it, right as the second the bell rings, hiding out in a bathroom stall until he’s sure Theo must be in his next class. 

 

For all of his life, Liam has had a hard time apologizing to people. The whole concept seems strange to him. Saying sorry reminds him of being a child, of his mother making him say it because he did something wrong, much more a punishment than a genuine ask for forgiveness. He’s very seldomly apologized to anybody because he truly felt like he had to, because guilt made him. And then there’s always the question about what to say. What to say when you did something terrible? When no words can make the damage undone, or take away the pain it’s caused? Why promise you’ll do better when you’ve already proven you’re not trustworthy with that? 

 

What’s there left to say to Theo? Liam feels like back when he was a kid and had shattered his mother’s antique vase into a million little shards. It had happened twice, actually. The first time, it had broken pretty much in half, so David had helped Liam to fix it with a whole lot of superglue. The second time, though, there were so many pieces that Liam knew instantly that there was no point in bothering. His Mom was mad at him, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that he offered to buy her a new vase from his pocket money and she told him no, simply because she believed he was going to break it again anyway. 

 

After surviving lunch break, Liam is already relieved, but there’s someone he didn’t think to hide from. He’s busy making sure that he’s far enough behind Theo in the hallway when he bumps into someone. “Sorry,” he mumbles, collects his books and keeps walking, not bothering to look the person in the face until he’s held back by the arm. 

 

“Hey Liam,” the person says. Oh. Mason. Liam doesn’t know why he’s so surprised. Maybe because he’s forgotten about literally any other person attending his school except for Theo. 

 

“Uh, hey, hey Mason,” he stutters dumbly. This can only mean one thing. 

 

_ I’m Mason, this is my best friend right there, and if you hurt him in even the slightest, I promise you that I’ll… _

 

Mason didn’t get to finish his sentence back then, but they all knew what he meant to say. They all knew back then and it’s filling up the air between Liam and Mason in that very moment, making it hard to breathe. 

 

“How are you?” Mason asks, letting go of Liam’s arm slowly, his features softening. Liam would rather he’d cut straight to the point. 

 

“Uh, fine,” he answers nervously, shutting his mouth right after, waiting for Mason to hit him with his accusations. Liam knows he deserves them. And after all, he’s thankful. He couldn’t be any more glad for Theo to have a best friend like Mason to look out for him. 

 

“Okay,” Mason nods, “that’s great then. I was kind of worried because your parents said you weren’t up to seeing anybody, so it’s really nice to see you back at school.” 

 

Well, so Mason has even tried to confront him before that day. He’s been to Liam’s home, probably right after he learned about what Liam did to his best friend. And of course one week at home wouldn’t be enough to make him forget about it. It’s only logical that Mason’s been waiting for him to come back so that he could finally give him a piece of his mind. Liam isn’t going to fight him on this. Not at all. 

 

When Liam only nods awkwardly instead of giving an answer, internally preparing himself for whatever is about to come at him, Mason speaks again. 

 

“So, uh, I don’t mean to stick my nose in your business or anything. If you don’t want to talk about what’s been going on with you, that’s fine. But if you ever need someone to talk about it…” 

 

“What?” Liam asks, because he couldn't be any more confused by the statement. The whole conversation is heading in the most ridiculous direction. 

 

“Well, I guess what I’m saying is I’m here for you,” Mason shrugs, “in case you ever need me.” 

 

Liam is left a little speechless. “I… I don’t get it,” he croaks, “aren’t you supposed to be on Theo’s side?” 

 

Mason looks him deeply in the eyes for a moment and purses his lips. He’s considering what he wants to say, clearly. Then, he shakes his head. 

 

“I don’t feel like this is a situation where there are sides, Liam,” he says calmly. 

 

“Yeah, but still, I mean…” 

 

“No,” Mason cuts him off, shaking his head more vehemently. “You matter too, you know?”

 

Liam’s mouth opens, but no words find their way out. He was prepared for anything. Theo being there all the time, Theo being nowhere to be seen, for silence or yelling or a punch in the face like he deserves it. But he wasn’t prepared for kindness. 

 

It’s all too fresh. He’s only just picked himself back up and put the pieces of his soul back together. The rough edges haven’t grown back together yet. He hasn’t healed. It’s meant to make him feel better, and in a way, it does. In another way, it’s so much. So much that it hurts, because it’s more than his wounded heart can take. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Liam presses out for the second time that day, and for the second time, he makes a run for the bathroom. Thank god that by the time he gets there, the bell rings for the next period to start, so Liam is left on his own as he stares into the mirror frantically, his racing heart calming down only slowly. 

 

He’s looking at wet trails across his cheeks, and blue eyes that are wide open, a trembling lip. He looks sad, almost broken. He wonders if that’s what Mason sees in him, and how it’s possible. What kind of person you have to be to look past something that’s strictly speaking a sexual assault and care for the person’s struggles. 

 

Liam turns away when he can’t stand looking at himself any longer. He doesn’t know what he’s seeing anymore. Who is that boy in the mirror? And what does he want? How is he going to make amends? And how much forgiveness does he deserve? How broken is the vase that is the relationship he once hoped to be having? And can his heart take an attempt to find out? 


	10. Chapter 10

The time Theo spends in school on Monday has got his anxiety levels through the roof. He wasn’t  aware that Liam would be back already, and frankly, he’s a little surprised by it. He’s assumed Liam would still be in bed the whole time, since neither Liam nor his parents have even tried to get in contact. Theo doesn’t want to feel disappointed by not hearing from Liam before his return to school, but a hint of it is still there somewhere inside him and won’t leave him alone. 

 

No matter how much online research Theo has been doing for the past week - after all, he has no clue about what’s going on inside of Liam, and how it works - he doesn’t know how to best be there for him, or how much time and space to give him. He doesn’t know where the line between being a supportive boyfriend and crossing boundaries lies, and he doesn’t know how to help. It’s infinitely frustrating, because everything about Liam’s posture and the circles beneath his eyes and the pallor screams sadness at him, even from across the hallway, and Theo is right there, he’s ready and willing, but he’s so clueless that it pains him. 

 

For a brief moment before first period, there’s something like eye-contact between them, except Liam’s eyes are starry and somehow empty. It’s more like he’s looking right through him. It’s so far from the sunshine smile Theo fell in love with that it’s hard to look at, but it won’t make him avert his eyes. Liam does eventually, though, and then heads away into the opposite direction as if he hadn’t seen anything at all. 

 

Although he’s been telling himself for a week now that he’ll wait for Liam to make the first step, it takes everything out of Theo. He tries to catch a glimpse of the other boy during the one class they share that day every five seconds. He looks out for him between periods, not wanting to put any pressure on him, simply hoping that Liam will see that he’s there. Theo doesn’t need Liam to find him immediately, he just needs him to know that he can at absolutely any time if he wants to. 

 

Liam doesn’t seem like he wants to. Not during school and not after. Theo makes sure to wait around at the edge of the schoolyard for a while after last period, just in case Liam’s only been waiting for all the other students to be gone, but nothing happens then either. Theo has a feeling there’s no real point in checking his phone every two minutes, but that doesn’t hold him back. He receives no calls, though, not even a text. 

 

After eating the tiniest piece of leftover lasagna, Theo retreats to his room and sits down at his desk again, switching on the light above his head. The chaos on it has been spreading for the past few days, pieces of paper and pencils and empty soda cans filling the space up. Theo takes a look at his hands and realizes that the dark grey smudge on his fingertips and along the underside of his right hand hasn’t been there in a long time. Years, maybe. He hasn’t felt like he missed it, though, not until his heart was breaking over Liam. Now it fills him with a faint warmth that’s not yet strong enough to put an actual smile on his lips, but his smile isn’t the one he’s fighting for anyway. 

 

The world darkens around Theo while he’s hunched over the papers, disappearing into his own world a little more with every stroke of his pencil, with every new color he adds. He used to be pretty good at this, and it’s certainly not his best work after not having had much practice for a while, but it’s the one that matters the most, so Theo puts everything he knows and everything he has inside him in it, bleeds onto the paper in a hundred different shades of color until it’s almost midnight and a knock on his door snaps him out of his delirium. 

 

“Hey there, Teddy Bear,” Tara says as she sticks her head inside. 

 

Theo already braces himself for the mockery that’s about to come. He couldn’t care less, to be completely honest. Tara doesn’t know everything about him. She doesn’t know the person her little brother has become, doesn’t know the cracks in his soul. And because she doesn’t know, she can’t touch him. 

 

What Tara says, though, isn’t what Theo expects at all. 

 

“I made you coffee. Figured you were going to need it if you plan to pull an all-nighter.”

 

A steaming cup appears in the doorframe, and then Tara comes inside and sets it down on top of his desk. 

 

“Thank you,” Theo mumbles, a part of him wishing she’d done something deserving of an insult instead. It would have been so much easier to keep the usual tone between them going. But maybe Tara does know a little more than he thought after all. 

 

“Mason might have told me one or two things,” Tara admits after a moment of silence between them. 

 

“God, I knew it,” Theo sighs. “I knew you guys were talking behind my back. There was no way he would just call me Teddy out of nowhere.” 

 

Tara lets out a soft little laugh. “For the record, I didn’t even tell him to do that. Lately, our conversations have been a little more centered around what happened with Liam.” 

 

“Please don’t,” Theo whispers, shaking his head lightly. 

 

“Please don’t what?” Tara wants to know. 

 

“Please don’t tell me to forget about him,” Theo answers. “Please don’t tell me that I’m crazy for doing this.” He raises the page he’s just been working on into the air. “Please don’t expect me to give up. Not yet.” 

 

His big sister looks at him and purses her lips. “I was going to say that I’m proud of you, Theo,” she replies. “I might have taken a look at what you’ve been working on all the time.” She points her finger at the paper in his hand. “And I hope he knows how lucky he is.” 

 

Theo doesn’t know how to respond to this. Tara has just broken several of the unspoken rules between the two of them. She can’t just admit to something she’s done that he should be mad about. She also can’t just say something like ‘I’m proud of you’. It’s not how things work between them at all, and still, it might be the best thing that’s happened to him in a week. 

 

As grateful as he is in that moment, Theo only knows one way to react to it, so he grabs his phone and smiles at his sister. “Could you maybe repeat that?” He laughs. “I think I want to preserve that statement for later generations.” 

 

He knows their moment is over with that, and Tara simply snorts, sticking her middle finger right in his face as she gets up again, ruffling his hair before she leaves his room again. “Never,” she says before she pulls the door shut behind her, leaving Theo behind thinking how nice it is to know that some things never truly change. 

 

The coffee gives Theo new energy. He pulls through until four in the morning, then takes what can be called a nap at the very best, getting up again earlier than he usually does on a school day. He gets dressed and packs his things, but unfortunately, there’s still half an hour left when he’s ready, and so he sits down again. Picking up the pencil feels like the most natural thing he’s ever done in his life. He doesn’t notice when the time to leave the house comes, doesn’t look up until first period has already begun. At that point, Theo almost has his work finished. 

 

Excitement raises inside him with every minute. When he first sat down in front of a blank page with a pencil a week ago, it was only for himself. It’s just his way of processing things. He tells the things he doesn’t know how to talk about with colors on paper. Theo doesn’t know where exactly along his working process that changed. But the little book that eventually sits in front of him, its pages filled with his thoughts and emotions, it doesn’t belong to him anymore. From the moment he decides that it’s finished, it isn’t Theo’s. Because in that moment, it becomes perfectly clear that it’s Liam’s. Always has been. 

 

Theo still makes his way to school that day, but it’s long after lunch, and the only thing he’s got with him is a racing heart and a gift. He finds Liam’s car in the parking lot and waits for last period to finally be over. His hands are sweaty, his voice shaky by the time Liam comes into sight, looking a little tense, a little tired, but not completely awful. His face changes to a pained expressed as soon as he spots Theo, though. 

 

“Hey,” Theo says. 

 

“Hey,” Liam replies, his voice so quiet that it’s almost not audible. 

 

Theo reaches out to touch Liam’s arm, but the other boy moves away, his eyes trained to something far behind Theo. 

 

“Hey,” Theo repeats softly. “Can I invite you to a pizza maybe?” Liam certainly looks like he could use one. 

 

“I… can’t,” Liam answers, sounding distant somehow. 

 

“Okay, how about tomorrow, then? I can also swing by your house, if you’d prefer that.” 

 

“Theo,” Liam almost winces, as if pronouncing his name physically hurts him. 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“What are you doing here? What do you still want from me?” Liam asks. 

 

“What do you mean?” Theo asks back. Liam didn’t expect him to not be interested anymore just because he turned out to have a mental illness, did he? 

 

“Please, don’t make me say it,” Liam begs. “Just do yourself a favor and stay where I can’t hurt you anymore, alright?”

 

“I… what?” Theo doesn’t get it. “No!” 

 

“Look, I’m trying really hard to look out for you here,” Liam sighs, “but you’re going to have to help with that at least a little.” 

 

“No!” Theo says again, his voice firm although he feels as scared as he’s ever been. 

 

“There’s not going to be a debate about this,” Liam mutters, turning away from Theo and opening the door of his car, throwing his backpack onto the passenger seat. “Bye, Theo,” he says. 

 

Theo panics. He watches Liam climb behind the steering wheel, his shoulder slumped down, his features making him seem drained.  _ Please don’t tell me to give up. Not yet.  _ He makes the same plea again, silently this time, more like a prayer to god knows who or what. Whatever deity is listening will have to do. 

 

“You owe me a wish, Liam,” he says just before Liam can shut the door. 

 

“What?” The confusion on Liam’s face is clear as he looks up at him through the window of his car. 

 

“You still owe me a wish from when I told you I sing in the shower,” Theo explains. 

 

Liam sighs and pinches his nose. Theo can tell that he’s fighting the urge to give in with every fiber of his being. He looks tired, maybe tired of Theo. But Theo is willing to try this. 

 

“One wish,” he repeats. “It’s all I’m asking for.” 

 

“What is your wish?” Liam wants to know. “And I’m asking out of curiosity only. I’m not making any promises.” 

 

Theo’s heart starts beating like crazy again. He’s on the brink of getting through and he knows it. He opens his backpack and pulls the thin little book out, holding it out to Liam. “This,” he says, “I wish for you to look at this. All of it. Until the end.” 

 

_ Promise me,  _ he wants to add, but he knows Liam won’t. 

 

There’s no answer. Liam also doesn’t look him in the eyes. All that he gets is the door opening slightly further and a hesitant hand taking the book from him, placing it on Liam’s passenger seat as well. “Bye, Theo,” Liam says again, and this time, Theo lets him go. He takes a step back and exhales deeply as he watches Liam drive off. It’s out of his hands now, but that doesn’t mean his heart gets to calm down. 

 

***

 

There’s no kidding himself, Liam can absolutely not resist taking a look. He needs to get home as quickly as possible, and then he needs to lock himself inside his room, and then he needs to throw his blanket over himself to be alone with what he has left of Theo. He knows his parents will have to wait, dinner will have to wait, the whole damn world will have to wait. Maybe he will never be able to fix the thing with Theo, but he has this now, and it’s already the greatest treasure in the world to him. 

 

Liam doesn’t make it home. He wants to, he really does. He thinks the situation deserves the most peace he can create himself, but his heart wins the battle with his head, so he pulls over and stops the car inside a little alley. 

 

Liam’s hands are trembling as he picks up the little book. Really, it’s just several pages of regular white drawing paper bound together. 

 

_ ‘Behind His Smile’,  _ the title on the front page says. The letters are a bright shade of blue, the background a little lighter, yellow rays of sunshine falling over the page from one corner. There’s green grass painted over the bottom half and in its middle, two joined hands. 

 

Liam has a tear in his eye when he flicks the book open. It’s a comic. A self-made comic. And the story breaks Liam into a billion little pieces that swim on the surface of an ocean of tears until it picks him back up and puts him back together shred by tiny little shred. He shatters and heals several times while reading through it, dragging his fingers over the faces of the figures Theo has brought to life. 

 

It’s the saddest and most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, the story hitting so close to home that he almost can’t take it, but the fact that he recognizes Theo’s handwriting inside the little speech bubbles helps him through. 

 

The story has a hero who’s not really a hero. Sunshine Man has been robbed of his magical, evil defeating smile by the villain, a dark cloud that can fade into thin air and therefore, has never been caught. Travelling the whole world in search for his stolen smile, Sunshine Man finds misery in almost every town he visits, the guilt he feels due to his inability to help the people soon crushing him down. A little girl that is sick especially gets under Sunshine Man’s skin. He knows he could magically heal her if only he still had his smile. Every broken soul he encounters drains him of his will to continue fighting a little more. The little girl almost costs him all his faith. 

 

_ ‘Save me, Sunshine Man,’  _ she begs him.

 

_ ‘I’m not a hero anymore,’  _ he answers, removing his cape from his shoulder and wrapping it around her skinny shoulders. 

 

_ ‘Heroic acts are not the only way to be a hero,’  _ the girl tells him. 

 

The most that Sunshine Man can do is to be there for the little girl on her last days. Determined to make the end as pleasant for her as humanly possible, he gifts the girl a teddy bear. 

 

_ ‘Thank you, Sunshine Man,’  _ she whispers as she falls asleep. For the first time since he’s met her, Sunshine Man sees a smile on the little girl’s face. He watches over her as she sleeps, her breathing turning from shallow to even. She sleeps longer than seems normal, but in the morning, she awakes, the teddy bear still clutched to her chest, a rosy glow on her cheeks. Sunshine Man can’t believe his eyes when she rises from the bed and walks across the room on her own two feet. 

 

On the last page of the comic book, Sunshine Man leaves the little girl’s family behind, ready to continue his battle against the evil dark cloud. As he steps outside their house, the sky is just a little more blue than he remembers, the air just a little warmer on his skin, the birds singing just a little more audible. The flowers smell just a little nicer. 

 

Sunshine Man looks up into the sky where a puffy little white cloud fades away and allows the sun to shine upon his face. 

 

The second to last drawing is a close-up of Sunshine Man’s smiling face. 

 

The last one is just one sentence written inside the little box. 

 

_ ‘Heroic acts can be as easy as pulling up a corner of a mouth.’  _

 

Liam cries. He cries and cries and cries. He bawls his eyes out and lets the sobs echo through his car. Heroic acts can be as easy as loving someone, he thinks. For a while, he isn’t sure if he will ever be done with the tears. Some time later, though, he is. 

 

And once he is, he looks up from the comic book and smiles. 

**Author's Note:**

> Again, in case anybody hasn't seen it yet. [Here](http://marauders-mess.tumblr.com/post/180015271376/behind-his-smile-author-flyde-summary-in-this) and [here](http://marauders-mess.tumblr.com/post/180015269141/behind-his-smile-author-flyde-summary-in-this) is the art to this story! Go look, it's incredible!


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